Ranking Every Game in No Particular Order

Developer Semi-Logic

Publisher: Mattel

Release Date: 2006

At least the box is decent

The Mattel Hyperscan is an infamous console. If you read my blog you know that I like to be positive and try to find the good in games. I will say without hesitation however that the Hyperscan is not particularly good. Too harsh? Okay so I am underselling the low quality of the console. It only takes about ten seconds to realize that Mattel had thought of the money first and the quality of the games dead last. Their idea was to make games with collectable cards that enhanced the gameplay upon being scanned. They were obviously thinking about Pokemon when they designed it. Pokemon exists as both an insanely popular video game franchise and a playing card game. Mattel thought combining the two would be a surefire way to make a lot of money. Unfortunately they didn’t think about what it takes to make a successful video game console. The forgot that while the console was aimed at kids it was the parents who were going to be buying it. They could see right away that the whole thing felt like a scan. The cards weren’t just there to enhance the gameplay. They were, in fact, required to play the games. If your kid lost a card or needed one they didn’t have you’d have to buy more random booster packs to find the right one. You could potentially spend over 200 dollars to complete a set just to play a complete game. Meanwhile you could buy a Wii for almost that same price and have endless family fun playing Wii Sports which was a complete package free with the console. Their biggest blunder, however, was not the crass marketing strategy behind it. They somehow thought the console would sell itself and they didn’t need to make good games for it. How does one sell a console with terrible games that cost hundreds of dollars to get the full experience? At it turns out not well at all. The Hyperscan only had five games and was quickly forgotten. Luckily I am always here for the forgotten console and finally got to play Ben 10. Let me say upfront it’s not particularly good.

Hey you know what you should do here? That thing that makes us more money.

Playing Ben 10 is one of the least pleasant gaming experiences I have ever had. It’s one of the blandest, worst controlling platform games I have ever played made exponentially worse by the constant interruptions. I hate a game that doesn’t trust the player, but Ben 10 seems like it barely believes its players have brains. Practically every obstacle is prefaced with a dialogue box reminding you that it is an obstacle. I think even the youngest of gamers know to push a button to jump or that it’s bad to fall in holes. When there is an enemy on the screen I doubt anyone would think that they were supposed to stand still and wait for death. Ben 10 seems to think otherwise. It’s not a very complicated game. You go to the right, pick up items, and fight things. What’s worse is that the levels I played through don’t have checkpoints so any time I died I got to go back to the beginning of the level and hear all the instructions again. They can be skipped, but there is still a pause which slows down what’s already a painfully slow game. Why can’t you just let me turn into wild aliens and battle giant robots? That’s what I want in my Ben 10 game.

Scanned and ready to avoid meteors

Oh and get ready to die because the controls are awful as well. It’s one of those games where you feel like you’re on the Moon. It’s constantly floaty and unresponsive. Every jump feels like a leap of faith. I died dozens of times just trying to get past the first pit. All I have to do is grab a branch directly above the pit but it’s so easy to fall in. Transforming into one of the aliens only makes matters worse because they move much faster than human Ben making jumps even harder to time. Then of course every minute or so a character will pop up and remind you to scan a card. With as much scanning as you’ll need to do it’s best to play with the console in your lap. I don’t think that causes cancer, but it probably will cause your game to freeze not that you would really notice.

That brings me to my final complaint about this thing. Having to constantly scan cards is not a very pleasant experience. Ben 10 has 80 cards in total. What do you do with a set of 80 thick cards? Because of the chips in them they are much thicker than your average playing card. It’s like having a giant stack of Kraft Singles to keep up with. I don’t often get to compare games to a whole lotta cheese so at least that’s something. The cards serve all different functions in the games so you really do have to have them ready. You can’t even save without a card. Does constantly fumbling through dozens of cards and then bending over to scan them sound like very much fun? They don’t even look all that good so they don’t work as collectibles either. At least with Amiibos and Skylanders you get cool figurines that double as toys.

Don't lose this card! I have no idea why they are shaped funny.

So I played the game until I got to a giant wall that I couldn’t find a way to get past. It was one last insult in a game that already makes the player feel like a moron. To get past it I am pretty sure I need a card that I just don’t have. They actually expected the players to get stuck after ten minute of playing and actually want to go out and buy more cards. It’s hard to believe that anyone didn’t think this thing was a ripoff. Imagine having to run back to Walmart to buy a pack of cards in the slight hope that one will let you progress through the game. Then if you get the cards and don’t find the one you need you are still out of luck. That’s $10 down the drain. That’s more than my weekly allowance as a kid. I’d much rather save up for a month or so and buy a discounted Playstation 2 game. Of course so did everyone else on the planet because HyperScan was a monumental failure. So sorry Ben 10, you are not fun, you have lousy controls, and you are undoubtedly a ripoff. Welcome to the bottom of the list. I have no doubt that your HyperScan bretheren will be joining you soon.

1. Super Mario Odyssey

2. Galaga

3. Donkey Kong

4. Exodus: Ultima III

5. Pac-Mania

6. Wrecking Crew

7. Super Pac-Man

8. Pac-Man

9. Excitebike

10. Arc the Lad

11. Clu Clu Land

12. Artifact Adventure Gaiden DX

13. Mickey’s Racing Adventure

14. Metro-Cross

15. Ice Climber

16. Gaplus

17. Dragon Spirit

18. Pinball (NES)

19. Walt Disney World Quest: Magical Racing Tour (GBC)

20. Red Sea Crossing

21. Baraduke

22. Tennis

23. Hogan’s Alley

24. Gamma-Attack

25. The Legend of “Valkyrie”

26. Galaxian

27. Evoland

28. Cosmic Commuter

29. Hot Pixel

30. Wild Gunman

31. Defunct

32. Gyruss (2600)

33. Looney Tunes Racing

34. Squidlit

35. Baseball

36. Birthday Mania

37. Bad Street Brawler

38. Burly Men at Sea

39. My Name is Mayo

40. Ben 10

Developer: zSlide

Publisher: Atari Inc.

Release Date: 10-2-07

I do like his hat a little bit

There’s always a bit of sadness that goes along with anything released by Atari after the mid-80s. They were always a few steps behind and never could catch up. Hot Pixel is the perfect example of this. By the time the 2000s rolled around Atari was not the same company that they were in the 70s and 80s. The name had changed hands a few times before ending up being bought by French company Infogrames. I assume that’s why the obscure French developer zSlide worked on this game. All I know about them is that they only worked on two games and at some point they changed their name to the very fake sounding ooblada. This is another case where an iconic company worked with a nobody developer to make a disappointing game that could’ve been good.

Get used to this dweeb

Hot Pixel is what happens when you take a famous game and turn it into something worse and embarrassing. It is basically a ripoff of Warioware. Each level you play random micro games until you reach a boss. An Atari mini game compilation sounds like a very good idea. They practically invented that type of game after all. What ruins it, however, is one of the most cringeworthy presentations of all time. They decide to throw out the kidsy feel of the Wario titles and go for an urban street vibe. This means that every level is interrupted by the biggest dweeb in the history of gaming. The cutscenes star a parody urban wannabe who appears in live action segments at the beginning and end of every level. He is similar to the character who appears in The Offspring’s “Pretty Fly for a White Guy” video. Of course by the time Hot Pixel came out that song was almost a decade old and had long since lost its cultural relevance. The “dweeby white guy who pretends to be a hip urban guy” archetype was barely funny even when it was funny. In this setting it brings down a potentially decent game into the almost unplayable range.

A Hot Pixel game inside a Hot Pixel game

What do you do with a game where you constantly want to punch the main character in the face? It’s even worse because the cutscenes will change depending on if you win or lose. Something good happens to him when you win and something bad happens to him when you lose. This is just the opposite of how it should be. I wanted swift justice brought down on this horrible human at all times. When he’s peeping into windows with binoculars I want him to get hit by a car, not succeed in finding a half naked woman. What kind of game makes seeing a creepy guy leering at women a reward? This is the kind of game that thinks sexual harassment is fine and fat people are funny simply because they are fat. Some of the mini games are fun, and it actually plays decently, but I just cant get past the horrible sense of humor and lousy attitude. Of course it works best when the games pay tribute to Atari and don’t emphasize the urban esthetic. They could’ve done an NES Remix type game with classic Atari properties and it would’ve been fine. Too bad they decide to focus on confusing and unfunny games.

Hey neat it's Breakout!

Sony’s reputation as the grown up anti-Nintendo led to some great games. It also led to some cringeworthy garbage. Not every company can pull that kind of game off. I think Atari learned from this game and realized that they were never going to be a company for the Playstation crowd. They would go back to arcades and nostalgia and target goofballs like me who love old games. Hot Pixel is entertaining enough to keep it out of the red, but the presentation is going to keep it low. I am putting it at #29 right under my last game, Cosmic Commuter. I have been playing too many mediocre games lately and that might be the reason that I haven’t written as much. Of curse before I am done I will have to play every mediocre game in history. Lucky me.