NES #11: The Legend of Zelda

Developer: Nintendo

Publisher: Nintendo

US Release Date: 7-14-87

 

(While not invaluable anymore, the maps are somewhat expensive)

It’s interesting playing The Legend of Zelda again in 2020 and noticing just how many elements of the game are things that get complained about in other games. It’s an obtuse game filled with cryptic clues with little direction. You never really know what to do next, and you have to check just about every square inch of it just to make sure you find everything. It has terribly unbalanced fighting with monsters usually taking either one hit or several, and the monsters just sort of wander aimlessly. It can best be described as “hit them before they randomly hit you.” Any other game like this on NES would have endless snarky YouTube videos devoted to how bad it is. So why is The Legend of Zelda such a classic? It all comes down to execution.

(Even the title screen looks fun!)

The Legend of Zelda is a game that looks and sounds great right from the start. Its an atmosphere that instantly draws in the player. I still think that when NES games done right are timeless, and I don’t think it’s only because I first played them as a child. Hyrule is a fun place to be even if it is so sparsely populated. Seriously, why does Ganon care so much about a world almost entirely inhabited by old hermits living under trees? It’s one of those games where every screen looks like it is hiding and important secret, and a very high percentage of them are. It’s also too hard to fault the cryptic nature of the game because it came out during a time where mysterious adventure games were much more popular. People liked to be challenged, especially when there were only about thirty games to chose from. You have to imagine being a gamer in the summer of 1987 and seeing the limited NES library and thinking about the horror of actually running out of games to play. You would want something that would keep you busy for a while. I still remember being young and having everyone in my family who played games figuring out little pieces of it until we were able to put the whole puzzle together. I think it was our second game right after Super Mario Bros/Duck Hunt.

(It was like a living cartoon. No wonder it got me addicted to gaming)
 

Of course flaws are still flaws even in a great game, and Zelda does have some. It has many of the problems that plague other mid-80s games that make it a bit harder to play today. It’s similar to Metroid in that whenever you die you always start back with only three hearts of life no matter how many  you have collected. That means finding a fairy soon or quickly dying. You also start back on the same screen after dying in the overworld no matter where you are on the map. This leads to some frustration early in the game when the world is wide open but you don’t have many hearts. At least your rupees stay accumulated after death, because grinding for them can be a bit of a pain. For some reason I find the combat in dungeons to be fun but overworld combat to be more annoying than anything. Most of the monsters do sort of just walk into you and there is almost no tactical element to it whatsoever. Even most of the bosses are too simple simple. They also run out half way through and start recycling. Adding two extra dodongos doesn’t really change the stakes very much other than making it more frustrating to run out of bombs. There’s a reason why most games we think of as Zelda clones usually borrow more from Zelda 2 and A Link to the Past. This game is rough around the edges.

 

(I loved having to bomb walls to find secrets and always kinda hated when they started adding cracks to give them away.)

Still I had a much better time playing this game than I expected, especially considering how many times I have played through it. It’s also the first game that I wrote about on my old blog to get written about again. This time around I was much more enthusiastic about it. I don’t know if it was my mood or if the other games I have been playing recently made me appreciate it even more. And of course even though I don’t rank games based on importance it’s really hard to overstate how important this game is, especially in the United States. American audiences never really took to the more-advanced-than-Atari consoles, and while there were certainly advanced games coming out on computers at the time that was still a niche market. By the time the NES was getting popular in America it already had the big three: Super Mario Brothers, Metroid, and The Legend of Zelda. These three games were among the first new games that people had played since the Atari era. There aren’t a lot of console proto-Zeldas out there. Imagine going straight from Pac-Man to Zelda. It’s hard to even fathom such a radical change today. Games change their size and scope, but not so much their goals. The Legend of Zelda more than any other game solidified the concept of beating a game as the main goal. Even Mario could be played for a high score, but Zelda with its battery save and mysterious world was played to be won, and the gaming world never really went back.

So The Legend of Zelda is a great game, but one that is flawed enough to only be second on the list. I had a hard time putting it over Galaga, but it’s just more fun for longer periods of time. Galaga would be wearing pretty thin after an hour of play, but The Legend of Zelda would still be fun thanks to the variety. I’m just warning you now, however, that it’s not going to stay the highest rated Zelda game, and the ones that go higher on the list probably aren’t the ones you’re thinking about. So I just want to take this moment to enjoy the brief time where most of my audience is still going to agree with me.

NES quality percentage: 6/11 or 54.54%

The Ironclad List of Correctness:

1. Super Mario Odyssey

2. The Legend of Zelda

3. Galaga

4. Donkey Kong

5. Exodus: Ultima III

6. Pac-Mania

7. Wrecking Crew

8. Super Pac-Man

9. Pac-Man

10. Viva Pinata

11. Dragon View

12. Excitebike

13. Drakkhen

14. Arc the Lad

15. Clu Clu Land

16. Artifact Adventure Gaiden DX

17. Mickey’s Racing Adventure

18. Metro-Cross

19. Ice Climber

20. Gaplus

21. Dragon Spirit

22. Pinball (NES)

23. Ninja Golf

24. Super Soccer

25. Walt Disney World Quest: Magical Racing Tour (GBC)

26. Red Sea Crossing

27. Baraduke

28. Tennis

29. Hogan’s Alley

30. Gamma-Attack

31. The Legend of “Valkyrie”

32. Galaxian

33. Evoland

34. Cosmic Commuter

35. Hot Pixel

36. PocketBike Racer

37. Wild Gunman

38. Defunct

39. Gyruss (2600)

40. Looney Tunes Racing

41. Squidlit

42. Baseball

43. Birthday Mania

44. Bad Street Brawler

45. Burly Men at Sea

46. X-Men (HyperScan)

47. My Name is Mayo

48. Marvel Heroes

49. Ben 10

Xbox 360 #2: PocketBike Racer

Developer: Blitz Games

Publisher: King Games

Release Date: 11-19-06

(I wonder if people are still playing this online)

Since I got a whopping one view on my last 360 post I figured I would cover an even less significant game on the same console. I suppose that means it’s time to cover the Burger King trilogy. In case you don’t remember, way back in 2006 Burger King ran a promotion where they offered three Xbox (regular and 360) games which could be purchased along with a value meal for four dollars. Fast food and video games are a natural pairing, so it actually sounded like a good idea. Even though the games themselves were all ages they were obviously courting the “adult male who wants their own Happy Meal” market. How can I tell they were going for men instead of women? Well this is a racing game starring a goofy costumed mascot but they still managed to put Playboy model Brooke Burke prominently on the center of the cover. Hey you gotta remind your public that the beautiful people eat burgers too. So is the game a quality product made with care by the developers, or is it a quickie cash grab made to sell burgers with minimal effort? Well this is American capitalism we’re talking about here. Of course it’s cynical and lazy.

 

At first the game shows signs of effort. The menu screen shows three difficulty levels with four different modes of play each. Hey that’s twelve contests! That’s a lot of programming oh wait they all use the same tracks. Yeah the game only has five tracks that have to be raced over and over. This might be more forgivable if the tracks themselves were better, but it has three okay ones and two very annoying ones. Unsurprisingly the flatter and more traditional tracks are the better ones. The backyard and construction site tracks are full of ramps and sharp turns which are more infuriating than anything. There’s nothing worse than having a good race only to get stuck on a partially overturned fence and having no way to get off of it. Games should not have leaning fences to get stuck on. That does not make the game more challenging, just more infuriating. Then the construction site is full of jumps and pitfalls that are very hard to miss even after a dozen races. It’s just so poorly put together that ramps pop before you can build up enough speed to properly jump them. Luckily the AI is programmed in such an aggressive way that they will fight with each other instead of  racing meaning that different racers will place differently each time. Even on the most difficult setting I only had to come in first on a couple races to guarantee a victory.

 

(I hope you like getting stuck!)

However I will concede that I did enjoy it at times. I liked that they had to fill out their roster of racers despite not having many memorable characters. This leads to commercial b-listers like Subservient Chicken and Whopper Jr. showing up. There’s always going to be some fun to be had by playing as a guy wearing a giant burger costume. The racing is also decent before it gets tedious. Before the realization set in that there were only five tracks I thought I might actually enjoy the whole experience. All the racers drive the same but at least the bikes are different so there is a little strategy involved with picking the right bike for the right situation. I had to try a few different strategies before I could finish the 150cc races which would usually be a good thing, but by that time I was so sick of the same tracks that I put the game down and didn’t get around to finishing it until a year later. I will give it some extra points for at least being a moderate challenge however.

 

(This level is what I dream about when I am trying to lose weight)

Just to show you how much I have to dislike a game to put it into the red section I am actually going to move this into the purple. I thought it was going to be red when I started writing, but even with only five tracks it’s less repetitive than Wild Gunman, and it had clearer goals too. Still it was only moderately amusing so it’s only going to 35th on the list. Of course since it was only a couple of dollars to begin with just sort of okay is a victory. Now I need to review the other two Burger King games so my journey through the least significant X-Box games can continue.

 

X-Box 360 quality percentage: 1/2 or 50%

 

1. Super Mario Odyssey

2. Galaga

3. Donkey Kong

4. Exodus: Ultima III

5. Pac-Mania

6. Wrecking Crew

7. Super Pac-Man

8. Pac-Man

9. Viva Pinata

10. Dragon View

11. Excitebike

12. Drakkhen

13. Arc the Lad

14. Clu Clu Land

15. Artifact Adventure Gaiden DX

16. Mickey’s Racing Adventure

17. Metro-Cross

18. Ice Climber

19. Gaplus

20. Dragon Spirit

21. Pinball (NES)

22. Ninja Golf

23. Super Soccer

24. Walt Disney World Quest: Magical Racing Tour (GBC)

25. Red Sea Crossing

26. Baraduke

27. Tennis

28. Hogan’s Alley

29. Gamma-Attack

30. The Legend of “Valkyrie”

31. Galaxian

32. Evoland

33. Cosmic Commuter

34. Hot Pixel

35. PocketBike Racer

36. Wild Gunman

37. Defunct

38. Gyruss (2600)

39. Looney Tunes Racing

40. Squidlit

41. Baseball

42. Birthday Mania

43. Bad Street Brawler

44. Burly Men at Sea

45. X-Men (HyperScan)

46. My Name is Mayo

47. Marvel Heroes

48. Ben 10

Xbox 360 #1: Viva Pinata

Developer: Rare

Publisher: Microsoft

Release Date: 11-9-06

 

I don’t think I have ever been more surprised about becoming addicted to a game as I was when I played Viva Pinata. It was the extra game I got in a two pack along with the controversial Banjo-Kazooie Nuts and Bolts so I wasn’t expecting much. I thought it was going to be a simple platformer based on a strange cartoon from the waning days of network Saturday morning cartoons. What it turned out to be was one of the oddest farming/animal raising sims I have ever played. It’s a game that takes place in a world populated by freakish mask-wearing humans who raise colorful creatures who only exist to be smashed open to reveal their delicious candy inside. What’s weird is that hardly any of the human characters were in the cartoon. It focused instead on the pinatas who could suddenly talk and did all the gardening themselves. I have no idea why a game and cartoon series made at the same time to promote each other are so starkly different. It’s almost as if we live in a chaotic and senseless universe that only gets more ridiculous as time goes by. Or they were made by different companies that didn’t communicate very well. Either way it’s a head scratcher.

 

I don’t think there’s ever been a game the evoked the MST3K Mantra more than Viva Pinata. It’s a game that’s so weird that its whole concept falls apart if you think about it too hard. All you can do is say “it’s just a game, I should really just relax.” So you have this garden that starts out as a pile of dirt. You smooth it out and start to grow various plants. As you make changes to your garden various creatures called pinatas start to show up. Your goal in the game is to raise pinatas and have a valuable garden while also gaining levels and nominally defeating the game’s villian Professor Pester. Nothing much really ends up happening to him however which is a bit of a letdown. When pinatas show up it’s time to start romancing them so you can get more and more of them to sell or just watch wander around your garden not doing much in particular. You romance them by meeting different requirements such as having them eat a particular fruit or pinata. When they romance you are sent to a mini game where you have to collect hearts and avoid bombs. They then go back to their house to dance and an egg is delivered. You then repeat the process without any regard to the relationship between pinatas. It doesn’t matter if an offspring breeds with its parents as they are all immortal androgynous beings. I told you not to think about it too hard. 

 

Does this game sound like very much fun? Because let me tell you, it is very, very fun. It’s one of the better exclusive Xbox 360 games. It’s a game where every little task feels like solving a mystery. New levels bring new seeds and new objects for the garden. Each new item brings with it a mystery of what it is used for. It’s a game that spreads over multiple gardens because one isn’t big enough to fit everything. You’re constantly on a quest for more money which means breeding bigger and better pinatas and learning how to do this efficiently makes this game a strategic one as well. I love a game where money and items are always useful, and this is a game where you can never have enough of either. There’s always the decision to make space for fruit trees for the money they bring in or saving the room for more pinata houses. Then there are the different tasks that have to be done to bring in more species. This requires even more planning because of the space limitations. There’s always something to do. It’s not a farming game where you sit back and watch crops grow. It’s constantly active. Also every task only earns experience the first time, so you can’t just breed the same pinatas and get to the higher levels. It’s a game that encourages the player to experience everything.

 

There are downsides of course, and they mostly come from the execution. It can be a frustrating mess of menu screens at times. I really wish there was a quick key for the shovel and journal because I was having to use these tools all the time. I really got tired of having to bring up the menu every time I wanted to switch to my shovel especially since I had to use it quickly sometimes. Rare had to sneak some villains into the game in the form of sour pinatas who will make your pinatas sick, ruffians who will do all kinds of damage to your garden, and main antagonist Professor Pester who will straight up destroy your pinatas. While they certainly don’t ruin the game experience they are more annoying than exciting. There’s nothing worse than getting sours in my garden while trying to feed my pinatas and having to try to quickly switch over to my shovel so I can do damage control. I also disliked having to smooth out all the dirt at the beginning of the game. It takes a long time and doesn’t add much to the game. A little streamlining could’ve done this game some good.

 

Complaints aside, however, this game is a winner. It turns out that Rare didn’t completely lose their way when they joined Microsoft. I am going to put this one right under Pac-Man which seems to be my cutoff for most games. I really need to be brave and admit there are better games than old arcade games, but I don’t think I am quite ready to yet. Hopefully my journey into Microsoft games will yield even more surprises.

 

1. Super Mario Odyssey

2. Galaga

3. Donkey Kong

4. Exodus: Ultima III

5. Pac-Mania

6. Wrecking Crew

7. Super Pac-Man

8. Pac-Man

9. Viva Pinata

10. Dragon View

11. Excitebike

12. Drakkhen

13. Arc the Lad

14. Clu Clu Land

15. Artifact Adventure Gaiden DX

16. Mickey’s Racing Adventure

17. Metro-Cross

18. Ice Climber

19. Gaplus

20. Dragon Spirit

21. Pinball (NES)

22. Ninja Golf

23. Super Soccer

24. Walt Disney World Quest: Magical Racing Tour (GBC)

25. Red Sea Crossing

26. Baraduke

27. Tennis

28. Hogan’s Alley

29. Gamma-Attack

30. The Legend of “Valkyrie”

31. Galaxian

32. Evoland

33. Cosmic Commuter

34. Hot Pixel

35. Wild Gunman

36. Defunct

37. Gyruss (2600)

38. Looney Tunes Racing

39. Squidlit

40. Baseball

41. Birthday Mania

42. Bad Street Brawler

43. Burly Men at Sea

44. X-Men (HyperScan)

45. My Name is Mayo

46. Marvel Heroes

47. Ben 10