NES #45: Swamp Thing

Developer: Imagineering

Publisher: THQ

Release Date: December 1992

After so many strange detours, it’s odd to play something from THQ that’s just a regular game. Swamp Thing isn’t bizarrely terrible. It doesn’t try new things and fail. It’s just a typical side-scroller. This is probably the type of game that you’re thinking of when you’re thinking of licensed NES titles. It plays decently, it’s competently made, and it’s completely forgettable. It’s such a typical game that I feel the need to pad out this introduction. I would go into the history of Swamp Thing, but I don’t even know that much about Swamp Thing. I feel like that is a common situation. Most people have heard of Swamp Thing, but few know that much about him. I know that there was a Swamp Thing tv show airing on USA at the time. I also know that there was a long running Swamp Thing comic at the time  which ran for 171 issues and had garnered some acclaim in the mid 80s when Alan Moore was the writer. He was long gone by 1992, but Swamp Thing was still a fairly popular character, so adapting him for an NES game made sense. I could do a whole series on comic book games for NES, because outside of Batman they were pretty dire. Some of the worst games I’ve ever played are NES super hero games. Luckily Swamp Thing doesn’t sink quite so low, but it probably won’t surprise anyone to find out that it’s not a hidden gem either. Still, I think it is slightly better than what most critics say. Maybe that’s just because I’ve been playing so many terrible THQ games. Hopefully I can be objective in my review.

They certainly weren’t counting on people knowing much about Swamp Thing, because the game starts with one of the longest intros I can think of in an NES action game. It really gives you the whole backstory in nice looking but lightly animated scenes. The game itself is pretty standard side-scrolling action. You might even say bog standard. Get it, because it’s Swamp Thing? The first level is a sprawling swamp with the typical NES trappings. Platforms pile up into the sky, so there is some exploring to be done. The ultimate goal is to get to the part of the level where it stops scrolling and walk into the offscreen void, but all the platform jumping is nice for variety. There are projectiles and other powerups to collect, but there’s not that much to find out there. I like how most of the cabins have an endless supply of knives flying out of the door. It reminds me that Swamp Thing is one of those characters who is a hero but seen by normal people as a villain. Of course, these same knives tend to hit me and kill me, but I can still enjoy annoying things.

If you’re wondering why I’m spending so much time describing the first level than let me tell you about the game’s biggest flaw. Swamp Thing is way too hard. There are few lives and no continues, and almost anything that moves is deadly. This might not even be so bad if the levels were shorter, but the first level is so long that traversing it over and over really drains the fun out of the game. The second level makes things even harder by adding bouncy skulls, deadly pits, little demons that are too short to hit, deadly bubbles, and lava pits. Level two is as far as I have been able to get. I’m sorry if this makes me a bad reviewer, but I’m only human. It’s a bit of a shame because the rest of the game at least looks interesting. I like the macabre setting of level three’s graveyard. It definitely doesn’t look like it ever gets any easier though, and of course with a game over I’d have to start all over again. It seems like by 1992 almost every game had at least a continue or two. It’s really a flaw in my book. You don’t have to dumb yourself down too much Swamp Thing, I just want to experience your game.

So, this review is a bit of a short one. And by short I of course mean just about the same length as all my other reviews. Maybe I just mean short in content. There’s just not that much to say about Swamp Thing. It’s a typical 8-bit side scroller that looks fairly nice but is way too difficult. The gameplay isn’t dynamic enough to support the difficulty, so I can’t say I recommend this one. I’ll probably keep trying to play through it, but I’m a masochist who wants to finish every game I encounter. Having said that, however, it’s still one of the better THQ games on NES. I thought it might rise all the way up to the purple section, but instead it’s in the upper part of the bad section at 132. It’s one of the better bad games I have played which has to be good for something I suppose. Thankfully I only have one THQ game to go and then I might take a break from NES reviews for a while. Maybe there’s a good PlayStation RPG out there I can play. That would certainly be a nice change of pace.

NES Quality Percentage 21/45 or 46.66%

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NES #44: James Bond Jr.

Developer: Eurocom

Publisher: THQ

Release Date: November 1992

This is the final THQ game left that is based on a semi-obscure cartoon, but at least it’s a cartoon based on a franchise everyone has heard of. Hey it’s good ol’ James Bond! That’s a franchise perfect for video games. There have been a ton of Bond games over the year running the entire spectrum from classic to garbage. For the curious, the first was the 1982 ZX Spectrum text adventure Shaken but not Stirred. Maybe I’ll get to that one if I ever have time to start reviewing old computer games. Of course James Bond Jr. is a bit different in that it was based on the syndicated 1991 cartoon which featured the adventures of Bond’s hip young nephew. I know that James Bond should probably have dozens of illegitimate children out there, but they make sure and remind you over and over the he is James Bond’s nephew, and not his son. The cartoon itself seems decent enough if you can handle bad British accents. Hey why get actual British teenagers when you could have American adults who sound like they’re sucking on helium balloons? Anyway, I’m getting distracted. After all the episodes were produced and were being syndicated ad-nauseum on local affiliates for kids to watch on sick days, THQ released a video game. Eurocom developed it, and they seemed like a good choice despite being a relatively new developer a the time. They would be extremely prolific for the next two decades, and largely specialize in licensed properties. They would end up making a bunch of James Bond games, but not the most famous ones. Of course this is THQ on NES, so you have to keep your expectations low.

(Hey, it's only many of your top scientists. Some of them are still free. You should look on the bright side!)

Right when I started playing James Bond Jr. I knew it was going to annoy me. I could tell by the confusing layout that this wasn’t going to be a game I could play for fifteen minutes and fake my way through the review. This isn’t a bad game that’s bad in a normal way. It’s a game trying to be good that ends up finding its own special ways to be bad. It really feels like they were trying too. The game is split up into large levels with specific goals to meet. It’s not a game about going from point a to point b. The first level, for example, has James exploring a mostly subterranean world looking for missiles to diffuse. It’s a game that actually requires exploration which is always welcome in the NES era. The levels are diverse, and it shows that some actual work was put into them. It’s not quite the quickie cash-in that so many of these THQ games have been. Still, it all falls apart in the execution.

 There are just too many little annoyances in James Bond Jr. The most obviously annoying part is the combat. James’ gun is just too weak. Even the most standard enemies take a dozen or more hits. This makes for some very tedious battles. I stand there and shoot while knowing that I should dodge sometimes, but there’s a clock constantly counting down. I can’t waste time with strategy when I have to spend so much time shooting. I actually enjoy the timer. I think it adds some needed tension to the game. I just wish that the boring combat didn’t waste so much of the time.  There are also mini bosses that take even more shots. None of them are fun to encounter and just have me spamming when I should be engaging.

 

The controls are annoying as well. The game is not bogged down by commands, but there are still some strange choices. Sometimes James has to log into a computer, so pushing the up button makes him face the front to do so. Unfortunately, this also makes him face forward even when he’s not in front of a computer. If James could point his weapon up with the button instead the game would be much improved. Unfortunately, he can only shoot straight ahead. There is also a truly baffling command where instead of pressing select to toggle through items you have to push select and down at the same time. I have no idea why it is like this. Select isn’t mapped to any other command. Why not just have select do this? I would never have figured this out if I didn’t look at the manual online. How can you make such a vital command so hard to figure out? And you have to figure it out soon because James has to switch to his scuba gear to go underwater. Movement underwater is also quite annoying because instead of just using the control pad to get around you have to tap A to have him swim. This makes swimming harder than it needs to be, but the whole game is harder than it needs to be.

Even without the major annoyances, though, I still don’t think it would end up in the good section. That’s because the more I play it the more it bugs me. Is there anything worse than sliding puzzles? Well James Bond Jr. has sliding puzzles that also include a loud, beeping alarm. This is just unpleasant on unpleasant. It’s hard to even think with the alarm constantly going off, and the puzzles are actually fairly difficult. I appreciate that they were trying to do things besides side-scrolling and boss fights, but sadly it just doesn’t work. Still, THQ could do a lot worse.

 

So as much as I dislike James Bond Jr. I appreciate the ambition and think it’s one of the better THQ games. It’s not soul-crushingly awful, it’s just an averagely bad game that misses the mark. I suppose they were trying to make something like Impossible Mission for kids. Unfortunately, it ends up being too hard for kids and too annoying for adults. It comes in at #130 on the list which means it’s not quite the cellar dweller that so many THQ games have been. In fact, it’s the second-best THQ game so far. With only two to go it’s likely to stay that way, but you never can tell. I’m just happy that I only have two more games to go before I can play something else. Maybe I’ll play something good after this, but that does seem a bit out of character these days. This makes seven bad games in a row. Of course, since I decide what I’m going to review around here there’s nobody to blame but myself. I hope you are enjoying reading these as much as I have not enjoyed playing them.

 

NES Quality Percentage: 21/44 or 47.72%

(Images are from mobygames.com again.)

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