Playstation 4 #2: Burly Men at Sea

Developer: Brain&Brain

Publisher: Brain&Brain

Release Date: 9-29-16

 

I am once again baffled by one of my game reviews. I am profiling a game that despite feeling almost completely pointless to me has gotten very good reviews. Perhaps you readers can enlighten me on why this game struck such a chord with critics. It feels like another platinum trophy cash grab to me. That’s why I am writing about it now right after My Name is Mayo. However, it actually appeared on mobile devices before it made its way to Playstation 4. It’s still a very easy platinum however. It only takes about an hour and a half even though you have to finish the game twelve times to get it. It’s a game that only takes about ten minutes to beat once and additional playthroughs don’t add that much to the experience. 

And then one brother proclaimed "Hey look, fish"

 

It’s a game with a real identity crisis. It doesn’t know whether it wants to be an adventure game without the adventure, a visual novel without the novel, or a walking simulator without the walking. You play as three men who have beards. There was a time a few years ago where just facial hair in general was supposed to be funny. No punchline necessary. So theses three men who hilariously have beards set off on a journey where each section is going to offer them three choices. It does a bit like this: Once choice might be they decide to take a boat than one of the men says “Hey look we’re in a boat.” The next time through you might chose to ride in barrels instead. One of the men then says “Hey look we’re in barrels.” Then a giant octopus comes and one of the men says “Hey look it’s a giant octopus.” I can tell that they want this to be a funny light adventure game, but it’s hard to feel much immersion when the dialogue is so bland. Some of the reviews called is laugh out loud funny, but I hardly even remember chuckling. Then the game starts over so you can do it all again and find out what happens when you take the raft instead.

And then one brother proclaimed "Hey look, water"

 

Now there is a bit more interaction than what I have talked about so far, but it’s really nothing of consequence. It’s not like anything is going to lead to death. There aren’t any real puzzles to solve. Sometimes the object that needs to be interacted with will be a little bit obscure but that’s as hard as it gets. Now I get that it’s good for a game to have an atmosphere to it, but I really don’t like the current trend of games that have an interesting atmosphere with no gameplay whatsoever. Sure it has a nice nautical theme, but it’s not the only game with one and just about any other game that takes place at sea has actually gameplay. The dialogue might save a game like this, but as I already said the dialogue is quite bland. And yet Time Magazine of all things gave this game a perfect score. It’s hardly even a game.

 

Yeah this game is going low on my list. I just wish it lived up to my initial expectation. Reading the name made me think it was going to be a game about gay pirates. Now that’s a game I would like to play. The world could use more inclusive adventure games. Unfortunately it’s another bit of nothing that fooled the gaming press simply by looking different than a normal game. This was one of the PS Plus games a while back so if you have it on your backlog play it for the platinum. If not than it is a game I seriously can’t recommend. That gives the Playstation 4 a very hard 0/2 for quality. I need to play something good next time I encounter the console.

 

1. Super Mario Odyssey

2. Galaga

3. Donkey Kong

4. Exodus: Ultima III

5. Pac-Mania

6. Wrecking Crew

7. Super Pac-Man

8. Pac-Man

9. Excitebike

10. Arc the Lad

11. Clu Clu Land

12. Artifact Adventure Gaiden DX

13. Mickey’s Racing Adventure

14. Metro-Cross

15. Ice Climber

16. Gaplus

17. Dragon Spirit

18. Pinball (NES)

19. Walt Disney World Quest: Magical Racing Tour (GBC)

20. Red Sea Crossing

21. Baraduke

22. Gamma-Attack

23. The Legend of “Valkyrie”

24. Galaxian

25. Evoland

26. Defunct

27. Gyruss (2600)

28. Looney Tunes Racing

29. Squidlit

30. Baseball

31. Birthday Mania

32. Bad Street Brawler

33. Burly Men at Sea

34. My Name is Mayo

Playstation 4 #1: My Name is Mayo

Developer: Green Lava Studios S.A.

Publisher: Green Lava Studios S.A.

Release Date: 2-15-16

My Name is Mayo is the type of game that nobody should be writing thousand word essays about. It’s a game that barely even qualifies as a game at all. It’s a total ripoff shovelware title that happens to have a platinum colored shovel. It’s a game that exists for only one reason. It is a very easy way to earn a platinum trophy. So basically you pay a dollar and get a platinum. I’ve done it. Okay so I’ve done it twice. Neither time made me feel too much like a moron either. The sad part is that this notorious pay-to-win game has proven to be one of the most influential on the whole platform. It’s much like how Action 52 is the worst NES game but today stores are flooded with handheld systems crammed with horrible bootleg games much in the same vein. My Name is Mayo inspired whole companies to come into existence just to make cheap games that are easy to platinum. What used to be an occasional occurence is now a cottage industry. There will be dozens of games released every year that cost less than five dollars and take less than an hour to platinum. There are plenty of games that only require you to complete less than half of the actual content to platinum. People are buying these games, playing a fifth of the levels, getting their platinum, and then never playing the game again. And this whole shady business model, which I am definitely guilty of participating in, all started with a humble jar of mayo.

You get the idea!

So what is My Name is Mayo anyway. It’s going to take some intense visualization to understand it. Imagine a mayonnaise jar. Now imagine a hand. Now imagine the hand moving with the control stick and then tapping the jar when you push X. Now imagine tapping the X button 10,000 times. That is My Name is Mayo. Yes it is a game where you tap the X button 10,000 times and then get a platinum trophy. Oh but that’s not all! As you tap away you will unlock achievements. Some of these reveal uncomfortably sexual bits of story. Some of them give you completely random fun facts (a group of crows is called a murder), and some of them will change the appearance of the jar itself. You think it’s embarrassing tapping on a mayo jar for platinum trophy just wait till it’s wearing a whipped-cream bikini. Some of them are admittedly pretty funny, but they seem to keep this in check by having the funny ones take five taps to complete and having the embarrassing ones take 500 taps. You are not getting off that easy. You also can’t cheat your way through with a turbo controller because you have to manually switch out costumes and achievements. If you want that trophy than you are going to have to play it to the bitter end.

So as I said it is a game that nobody should play through but I have played through it twice. I got the platinum trophy for both the PS4 and Vita versions and if there was a PS3 version I would probably play that one too. In fact psnprofiles.com, a popular trophy tracking site, has almost 100,000 platinum achievers for the game. That’s a really large amount for an indie game. It’s one of the more played indie games of the era. Celeste, a true gaming masterpiece, only has about 9,000 owners. It’s more expensive sure, but Mayo’s popularity means that it will be more likely what people think of when they think of indie games. There are great indie designers out there making some of the best games of our generation, but people get a bad impression because of the companies coming into existence in the wake of My Name is Mayo putting out lousy games to make a quick buck. Of course I know that Mayo is meant to be a parody, and the designers are in on the joke, but that doesn’t change the impact on gaming. Sometimes jokes are just so funny that you need to lock them away and never tell anyone about them. You unleashed a smiley faced Pandora’s box onto the world. And I rewarded you by giving you my money. There’s just something about those shiny platinum trophies.

You can probably guess already but this game is going to the bottom. It’s a game that leaves most of its players either mildly amused or completely ashamed. Everyone who has played it always tries to come up with a way of justifying it. That’s not a good look for a game. It’s a game that damages the reputation of other games that don’t even relate to it. It brought a lot of unscrupulous companies into the Playstation store. It’s made me start spouting litany like a bad pop culture Walt Whitman. I think I better stop before writing about this game makes me worse by association. Here’s the bottom line. It’s one of the worst games of all time and doesn’t pretend to be anything else but it’s also only a dollar and has a forty minute challenge free platinum trophy. Why play good games when you can earn fake trophies that practically nobody cares about? I don’t even know if that question is rhetorical anymore.

1. Super Mario Odyssey

2. Galaga

3. Donkey Kong

4. Exodus: Ultima III

5. Pac-Mania

6. Wrecking Crew

7. Super Pac-Man

8. Pac-Man

9. Excitebike

10. Arc the Lad

11. Clu Clu Land

12. Artifact Adventure Gaiden DX

13. Mickey’s Racing Adventure

14. Metro-Cross

15. Ice Climber

16. Gaplus

17. Dragon Spirit

18. Pinball (NES)

19. Walt Disney World Quest: Magical Racing Tour (GBC)

20. Red Sea Crossing

21. Baraduke

22. Gamma-Attack

23. The Legend of “Valkyrie”

24. Galaxian

25. Evoland

26. Defunct

27. Gyruss (2600)

28. Looney Tunes Racing

29. Squidlit

30. Baseball

31. Birthday Mania

32. Bad Street Brawler

33. My Name is Mayo

NES #7: Wrecking Crew

Developer: Nintendo

Publisher: Nintendo

Release Date: 10-18-85

Hey Mario actually survives this cover

If it’s true that Super Mario Bros. wasn’t quite released on launch day than that means Wrecking Crew is Mario’s first starring role on the NES. Either way it is an interesting case. It’s hard to think of Nintendo’s most famous character debuting in such an obscure game on the console that made him a superstar. It’s also strange if he starred in two completely different games on launch day. Of course his diversity wouldn’t have probably surprised people with much knowledge of Nintendo. He had already been featured in almost a dozen games across arcades, consoles, and LCD handhelds. He was almost more of an easter egg than a character at times as he was getting included in just about every game where it would make any kind of sense. He also had just about every job under the sun. Super Mario Bros. would establish him as a permanent plumber, but in Wrecking Crew he was a carpenter. I have to say if this game is any indication it could’ve been a good occupation for him.

Wrecking Crew is a fun old game that blurs the line between several different genres. You play as Mario who has the unenviable job of smashing almost everything he sees with a hammer. Sure it sounds fun but you try smashing a hundred levels full of brick walls. There’s not enough Absorbine Jr. in the world to get rid of that kind of soreness. The different screens are split up into levels similar to Ice Climber so this is where the puzzle elements come into play. You have to smash the walls in the correct order or else you can get stuck. In an odd turn of events Mario can’t jump in this game. Perhaps that hammer weighs him down. Careful planning is a must, and it typically has to be done top to bottom which can take some getting used to. It’s also an action game because there are constant enemies to avoid. There’s not a way to directly attack them so it involves a lot of running and well timed hammer blows. It’s also an arcade game because the main goal is to get a high score. It’s one of those games that loops after you complete it so it’s more about seeing how well you can do.

Wrecking Crew is just about the ideal launch game. It’s fun, it showcases the system well, and it has enough to do to keep a person busy for a long time. This game has 100 levels, and any of them can be selected from the title screen without cheats. You can start from level one and try to get the best score in order, or you can use the level selector to play through every level individually. It has a fun competitive two player mode similar to Mario Bros. where Mario and Luigi try to get the most points through the levels. It’s a programmable game so you can even design your own levels and challenge your friends. The only downside is that on the original console the created levels couldn’t be saved. There is also a weird bonus where Santa pops up and you get extra points if you smash him. You get to design levels, compete against your friends, and destroy Santa. What more could you ask for?

I have been playing this game for over twenty years so I wasn’t too surprised that it turned out to be good. Still, it’s one that many of you might not have played, and I recommend that you hunt down a copy whether it’s on the original console or one of the many re-releases right up to its recent appearance on the Nintendo Switch. It’s one of the black box games that is still affordable costing 1/5 of what Donkey Kong Jr. Math sells for and being more than five times as much fun. This one is easily winning the battle for best launch title, and it’s going to go very high on my current list. I am putting a wedge in the Pac games by placing it right under Pac-Mania. This gives me probably the weirdest top 10 in history, but I am trying to do some more obscure games. If you want me to start ranking all the Zelda games just let me know. It would be nice to start getting some comments anyway.

1. Super Mario Odyssey

2. Galaga

3. Donkey Kong

4. Exodus: Ultima III

5. Pac-Mania

6. Wrecking Crew

7. Super Pac-Man

8. Pac-Man

9. Excitebike

10. Arc the Lad

11. Clu Clu Land

12. Artifact Adventure Gaiden DX

13. Mickey’s Racing Adventure

14. Metro-Cross

15. Ice Climber

16. Gaplus

17. Dragon Spirit

18. Pinball (NES)

19. Walt Disney World Quest: Magical Racing Tour (GBC)

20. Red Sea Crossing

21. Baraduke

22. Gamma-Attack

23. The Legend of “Valkyrie”

24. Galaxian

25. Evoland

26. Defunct

27. Gyruss (2600)

28. Looney Tunes Racing

29. Squidlit

30. Baseball

31. Birthday Mania

32. Bad Street Brawler