Developer: Radical Entertainment
Publisher: THQ
Release Date: December 1992
All lies!
It is my contention that The Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle and Friends is the most ineptly made game ever on a major console. Even the title is a disaster. Not only should a title never have the word “and” twice so close together, but it’s not even true. Even though the cover shows the Dudley Do-Right cast none of the supporting characters actually appear in the game. The only other characters are Boris and Natasha, and since they spend the whole game throwing bombs at the heroes, and I really do mean the whole game, they aren’t what I would call friends. Howevver, since they can quickly cause game overs and discourage further play maybe they are actually friends of the player. So not only did they completely ruin the title of the game but they did so for a lie. Sadly it only gets worse from there.
The game is known for its bad mechanics, and it’s really something that has to be played to be believed. Rocky and Bullwinkle can be switched out any time by hitting the select button, and I think the developers tried to balance the gameplay between the two characters, but they ended up ruining the whole thing. Just about everything you do causes pain. Both characters can pick up and throw bombs, but since practically every enemy can do so as well they are useless. I never won a bomb fight in the whole game because they just never stop coming. They will stand there and throw a constant barrage of bombs until time runs out. Also, if they get drawn too far away from their starting points they will respawn. This is very bad for a game that focuses on projectile weapons so much. Hey but don’t worry, both characters have special moves. That brings up the most infamous part of the game. Their special moves deplete your health faster than any bomb ever could. Bullwinkle’s antler charge is the only effective attack in the game, but using it is always a risky because it depletes health so fast. Meanwhile Rocky loses health for flying. Yes, Rocky the Flying Squirrel can’t fly without losing health. That’s Rocky’s most defining trait. He’s not Rocky the Always Near Death if He Even Thinks About Flying Squirrel. Also there are places where you have to fly which just adds injury to injury. It’s a cruel trick all round, and makes the only sensible strategy to be run as fast as you can.
Matters aren’t help by the graphics either. Now I know that the tv show was famous for its bad animation, but it’s Fantasia compared to this game. They get the four main characters relatively correct, but the backgrounds look like elementary school drawings. It’s full of sparse, ugly shapes that repeat over and over with no sense of depth. It’s a flat and jagged world where cliffs are just black lines and it’s not clear what is a plane and what is just a decoration. The enemies are dire as well. They devolve from recognizable figures to wrinkled masses of unknown origin as the levels go along. There is a level that takes place in a kitchen so they decided to put tiny chefs running by. It’s the only level that has tiny humans so it’s really jarring. The reason for this is because every level has tall enemies that throw bombs and small enemies to jump over. For some reason “tiny chef” was the best they could thank of for a kitchen level. It makes absolutely no sense. Then again, none of this game makes any sense. After playing this game I am not sure that anything makes sense anymore. Thanks Rocky and Bullwinkle. You almost broke me.
Although I don’t remember the exact year, I will always remember that Christmas in the early 90s that was the last great NES Christmas. Although I loved Super Nintendo I had a very hard time getting over the death of the NES. It was my favorite thing in the world, and it broke my heart that it was being abandoned. Still, one upside was that games were cheap and we got a bunch of them that Christmas. We got the new Kriby’s Adventure along with the re-releases of Metroid and Final Fantasy. Also in the same haul was, of all games, Rocky and Bullwinkle. It’s a game that has been with me for over twenty-five years. Anytime the subject of bad games comes up it’s the first one I think of. Sure Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde is bad, but at least it looks like a real game. Rocky and Bullwinkle fails ever metric and fails hard. It’s the worst looking, worst playing, worst designed game on the NES. Honestly I enjoyed playing Marvel Super Heroes on Hyperscan more because it at least felt like a real game. It’s better than Ben 10 but only because I could actually play though it. It doesn’t get much lower than this one. And worst of all is that I will never get the awful music out of my head.
NES Quality Percentage: 9/16 or 56.25%
1. Zelda II: The Adventure of Link
2. Super Mario Odyssey
3. The Legend of Zelda
4. Galaga
5. Donkey Kong
6. Exodus: Ultima III
7. Pac-Mania
8. Wrecking Crew
9. Super Pac-Man
10. Pac-Man
11. Viva Pinata
12. Dragon View
13. Excitebike
14. Drakkhen
15. Arc the Lad
16. Clu Clu Land
17. Tails’ Adventures
18. Artifact Adventure Gaiden DX
19. Mickey’s Racing Adventure
20. Metro-Cross
21. Double Dragon
22. Panic Restaurant
23. Ice Climber
24. Gaplus
25. Dragon Spirit
26. Pinball (NES)
27. Ninja Golf
28. Super Soccer
29. Walt Disney World Quest: Magical Racing Tour (GBC)
30. Red Sea Crossing
31. Baraduke
32. Demon’s Crest
33. Evoland
34. Tennis
35. Renegade
36. Hogan’s Alley
37. Gamma-Attack
38. The Legend of “Valkyrie”
39. Galaxian
40. Dragon Crystal
41. Cosmic Commuter
42. Hot Pixel
43. PocketBike Racer
44. Wild Gunman
45. Defunct
46. Gyruss (2600)
47. Looney Tunes Racing
48. Squidlit
49. Baseball
50. Birthday Mania
51. Bad Street Brawler
52. Burly Men at Sea
53. WeakWood Throne
54. X-Men (HyperScan)
55. My Name is Mayo
56. Marvel Heroes
57. The Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle and Friends
58. Ben 10
Bonus: Screenshots of Shame!
(The good pictures were from mobygames and vgmuseum.)
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