Bad Street Brawler

NES (1) 1989

Developer: Beam Software

Publisher: Mattel

It shouldn’t surprise anyone that this is a bad game because it’s right there in the title. They didn’t call it High Quality Pugilist. They called it Bad Street Brawler. They really weren’t trying to fool anyone with this one. It doesn’t help that Beam Software decided at this very moment in their history to start making awful NES games. They had some successes in their future, but from 1987 to about 1992 they had a tough go of things. Among other things they made some of the bad LJN games. Bad Street Brawler is possibly their nadir however. The fact that Mattel picked it out as the second and final showcase for their Power Glove is one of the most baffling moves in gaming history.

(It's dog kicking time!)

As you can probably tell from the title, in this game you are a cool 80s dude who brawls on the streets. Now I know that it is an early example of the genre, but this game fails at everything that makes a brawler playable. A good brawler needs to have good moves that are repeatable. However this games gives you a different set of moves for every new level. Now that’s fine if it’s sensible things like jump kicks and strong punches. But what do you do with a move called a stooge hit which involves hitting your own fist in a circle that then hits the enemy like Moe from The Three Stooges? Well you try to avoid it that’s what. You better hope the other move is something that doesn’t take five seconds to execute. The strength of the attacks don’t make sense either. I expected that the trip move would be weak and the jump kick would be strong but it’s actually the other way around. Doesn’t it seem like being kicked in the face would hurt worse than being gently sat down on your butt? I know the pavement is hard but it’s not lava. A brawler should have set moves with the quick easy ones being weak and the harder to execute moves being stronger. Everybody knows that.

(Ear twisting time!)

It also quickly becomes a game of running and spamming because it has a very fast timer that kills you if it runs out. That means that the best strategy is to run past as many enemies as possible and constantly spam whatever is the fastest of the three moves just to try to outrun the timer. I’ve never played a game where so many enemies just wandered off the screen. Even the characters are embarrassed to be seen in this one. Of course when you do stop and fight the rogues gallery is more shameful than intimidating. I hope you like kicking dogs and punching gorillas. Is there another game where you can kick dogs? Could you do that in fable? You can also get in cheap hits on women with mohawks who walk by and never react in any way. You should be asking them for their phone numbers. That’s the proper response when you meet a girl with a mohawk.  

(They're like a dollar dude)

The game goes on for fifteen levels of running, kicking dogs, reading funny inspirational quotes, and missing out on potential girlfriends. Anyone who played this game for a minute could tell that it was a weak game made by a company not used to working on consoles. It was ported to a couple of home computers and then a couple years later Mattel saw it and decided that it was just what the Power Glove needed. I guess in a way they were right because they both reek of late 80s ephemera. It was the perfect coda for one of my generation’s favorite failed peripherals.

What is fun about this blog is it lets me do a deep dive into the quality of a console’s game library. This is my first NES review, and I am really curious to see just how many of its game are actually good. It’s pretty famous for being a console with lost of junk. Perhaps Bad Street Brawler wasn’t the best place to start for profiling my favorite console. I just had to pick one of the games that sink below all others. Hey at least Birthday Mania had a fun concept and a specific audience. This is a game that makes no one happy, and for that it goes all the way to the bottom. Welcome to the bottom Bad Street Brawler. The NES is now 0/1.

1. Super Mario Odyssey

2. Galaga

3. Donkey Kong

4. Exodus: Ultima III

5. Pac-Mania

6. Pac-Man

7. Mickey’s Racing Adventure

8. Metro-Cross

9. Gaplus

10. Dragon Spirit

11. Walt Disney World Quest: Magical Racing Tour (GBC)

12. Red Sea Crossing

13. Baraduke

14. Gamma-Attack

15. The Legend of “Valkyrie”

16. Galaxian

17. Evoland

18. Defunct

19. Gyruss (2600)

20. Looney Tunes Racing

21. Birthday Mania

22. Bad Street Brawler