Sega CD #1: Panic!

Developer: Office I, Sega AM7 R&D Division

Publisher: Data East

Release Date: 1993

 

The Sega CD was a platform that had all the potential in the world. It was the first relatively affordable CD system to make it to market in the US, and it was released during the height of Sega’s popularity. Sure, it connected awkwardly and needed and extra plug but think of all the possibilities for sound and video. It was also home to some truly great games. So why did it fall short and become mostly the butt of jokes today? Well, it’s probably because of games like Panic!. Sega thought that consumers would be more interested in the novelty than the gameplay, so too many games fall into the “push a button, watch something happen” category. Panic! doesn’t have the grainy visuals or C-list actors like all too many Sega CD games, but it may be the ultimate anti-game on the console. It’s a game that does the opposite of what a game is supposed to do. If you like gameplay or coherence stay far away. It’s hard to even say you play this game. In true anti-game fashion, Panic! plays you.

The humor is juvenile even though the game is not for kids

 

So, here’s how the thing works. You play as a kid who has been sucked into a TV and has to traverse a series of rooms to deliver an antidote to the main computer in order to stop a horrible virus. You do this by standing frozen in random rooms and pushing buttons that hopefully take you to the next room but usually give you some weird skit that is supposed to be funny but fails every time. Basically, it’s push a button, hope for the best, receive the worst. It’s a game of little comedy scenes that never fail to be unfunny. I’m sure the funniest thing was the look on my face as I watched the supposed hilarity unfold. You might push a button in an elevator and some telephones walk by. You might push another button and a sumo wrestler with a high voice might walk by. The developers were under the impression that if anything happens in a certain situation that would not normally happen in that situation it is automatically funny. The timing is all off too. Some things that might be amusing, like the screen shrinking on the poor protagonist, if they didn’t take so darn long. Other weird gags happen so fast you can’t even comprehend them. I suppose that’s the point in some cases, but don’t the developers know that comedy is all about timing? The gags are so unfunny, and the situation is so dire that I was actually relieved to see a mountain turn into a giant farting butt. At least this is something that may be recognized by someone as humor. At least it wasn’t, like, the Mona Lisa except she starts singing or something like that. When you’re praising a giant farting butt you know a game doesn’t have much to offer.

Isn't this hilarious and random!

 Oh, but it gets even more random. Do you want to finish this game? Well good luck, because the whole game is one giant, extremely confusing maze. Every room has two teleport buttons. They will each send you to a different room with no way to tell if you are getting closer or farther from the exit. It’s not the type of game where you improve as you go, because there’s no indication of progress whatsoever. Do you need to go through some of the same rooms more than once sometimes? Who knows. There is no way to tell. I know they want to be random and unexpected, but it’s just one frustrating mess. Who wants to keep popping up in the same room over and over once they have seen all the gags? Movement is slow because of all the classic Sega CD load times. I’m not even sure how to map this thing because there’s no way to tell which room is closer to the exit and which one is farther. You could wander through this purgatory for hours. How anyone thought this was a good idea is beyond me.

Mutant toothpaste tubes maybe?

 

I find it hilarious that Panic! Is one of the few games to use the Sega CD mouse. All you do is push buttons in a grid. It’s not like you need to move fast or use any precision whatsoever. It is a completely pointless peripheral in a completely pointless game. So, as you can tell, I didn’t care for Panic! much. Maybe I’m looking for different things than other gamers, but it would take a very impressive presentation for me to rank a gameplay-free video game particularly high. I play video games to get away from passive entertainment. I want to be involved in what happens on the screen. It would take an amazing story or some very unique visuals to impress me when there’s nothing actually for me to do. What’s not going to impress me is dogs with boobs and bicycles with triangle wheels that aren’t doing much beyond existing. So this game is going low. Very, very low. I would be stunned if this didn’t turn out to be the worst game on all of Sega CD, or at least the worst that actually presents itself as a game. It’s all the way down at 116, which is seventh from the bottom and only ahead of a couple of Hyperscan games and the NGPC casino games. I can’t really buy the excuse that it’s just too Japanese for the American audience. There’s plenty of Japanese humor that makes me laugh. Panic! is unfunny in any language. Don’t blame the Japanese when a game falls flat. Maybe it really is just bad. 

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Atari 2600 #14/Atari 5200 #1: Keystone Kapers

 Atari 2600 #14/ Atari 5200 #1: Keystone Kapers

 

Developer: Activision

Publisher: Activision

Release Date: April 1983

 I always enjoy video games with very old IPs, and it doesn’t get much older than than the Keystone Cops. Their origins go back to 1912 right at the dawn of movies and modern pop culture. The Keystone Cops was one of the first popular comedy series in all of cinema. Many of the greats, including Charlie Chaplin, Harold Lloyd, and Roscoe “Fatty” Arbuckle spent time as Cops before breaking out on their own. They had such an impact on pop culture that although the original series ended in 1917, they are still commonly referenced today. That’s impressive, especially since their movies are very seldom seen and not all that good. It’s as if all the slapstick greats watched the Keystone Cops to learn what not to do in their own movies. Still, Americans love their icons and idioms, so bumblers are often still called Keystone Cops, and it makes perfect sense that a video game seventy years later would draw its inspiration from the bawdy comedy troupe.

 While the game does feature a cop, the character in this game is the opposite of your typical Keystone Cop. The cops in the movies were hopeless goons who usually ended up causing life-threatening disasters through their own incompetence. Keystone Kelly, on the other hand, is practically a superhero. He is super-fast, super nimble, and laser-focused on his task of catching Harry Hooligan. The game is a fast-paced early platformer that is set up like a multi-tiered Pitfall. There is only one task in the game, catching Harry Hooligan as he tries to escape a shopping mall. He starts on the floor above Keystone Kelly, but he is much slower. A timer counts down during the chase so it’s imperative to catch Harry Hooligan as quickly as possible. Almost all the points are gained by how much time is left. There are a few suitcases to pick up that are worth a few hundred points, but it’s really about the chasing and catching. There are also several types of obstacles to avoid. Some take away time while some will cause you to lose a life.

 

Keystone Kapers is a fast and exciting game. It has similarities to a racing game because points are earned by learning how to get around quickly. New and more difficult obstacles will appear in every level, so it’s also important to pay attention to the upper screens and learn the layout. The most important thing is getting to the elevator at just the right time. It is faster than taking the stairs, but it moves up and down automatically, so good timing in key. The 2600 version is the most well-known, and it’s certainly the one I have played the most. It is fast and precise, and I feel that I can always do a little better when I play. The graphics are good for the most part, but those radios look like glowing piles of money, so everyone always runs into them the first time playing. I also enjoy that there is a map at the bottom of the screen keeping track of the characters and elevator. It’s not the most useful map in history, but it’s a nice touch.

Characteristically, the 5200 version looks better but doesn’t play quite as well. The 5200 is remembered for its nice graphics but awful controls. It’s not egregious here, but obstacles can be harder to avoid, and jumping isn’t quite as precise. The worst part, however, is that the elevator moves very, very slow. This is supposed to be a game about speed, and it’s disappointing standing around for an elevator to slowly appear. It’s still faster and safer than taking the stairs most of the time, but it can get annoying. The elevator situation caused me to get lower scores per level, but I still ended up doing better than I did on the 2600. This is probably because the developers caught the elevator problem and threw in some extra lives to balance it out. In a strange way it’s both easier and more difficult at the same time. Confusion is fairly typical with 5200 games.

 

I feel a little bad introducing 5200 with a double review, but it just doesn’t have a lot of original games. About 2/3 of its library came from 2600, and many of them, like Keystone Kapers, are too similar to merit a separate review. Thankfully both versions are fun, so 5200 starts out with a winner. So far, I’ve been avoiding reviewing multiple versions of the same game, but it’s something I couldn’t avoid forever. Get ready to see many of the same games clumped together on the list. In fact, there are other versions of Keysone Kapers I have yet to review. As always, I will make them insightful and entertaining. Hey, it’s what I do. The two versions are numbers 44 and 45 on the overall list, and the 2600 version ranks as number three on the console list. Even though I have been an Atari fan all my life, it’s still surprising how much fun I’m having with the venerable system. Here’s to more good games in the future.

 

Atari 2600 Quality percentage: 8/14 or 57.14%

 

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