Nintendo Switch #8: Pokémon Scarlet/Violet

Developer: Game Freak

Publisher: Nintendo

Release Date: 11-18-22

 

Okay let’s talk about the new Pokémon games. They certainly garnered their fair share of controversy, and I will get that out of the way first. It is completely fair to criticize the game for being buggy and slow. Switch games are expensive, and when you buy a game for full price you expect it to work, and the release date makes it obvious that they were trying to get it out before Christmas and didn’t have time to completely finish it. This isn’t just a Pokémon problem as games are extremely hard to make and timing is everything. The game was mostly fixed by the time I played it, but with some Pokémon only appearing in the first few months there was actually a reason to be an early adopter. So that’s the negative side. It’s something that will always be discussed, and hopefully it’s a lesson that Nintendo and others will learn from although they probably won’t. Now with that out of the way let’s get to the fun part. Just what is this game like?

 

At first Scarlet and Violet sound like a radical departure from previous games. So many of the old conventions are gone. There are no more ledges, not long caves full of Zubats, and trainers don’t attack unless you talk to them first. Pokémon wander all over the place instead of being exclusive to tall grass and caves. The most famous change, however, is the new open world concept. I have to say the open world was extremely fun, and it really does change things. Change is a good thing, but what’s interesting is how much the radical changes actually strip the game down to its pure essence. This game is 100% pure Pokémon.

 

If your main goal in Pokémon is catching and training than this might just be your perfect game. The story starts as a slim one, and you’re sent out into the world within the first hour. Up until its surprisingly poignant and serious conclusion the plot is mostly confined to quest locations without much in between. This means that it’s time to get out there and catch some Pokémon. They are everywhere in this game, and while a 400 entry Pokedex doesn’t sound that gigantic, in practice it is almost overwhelming. I found myself constantly catching and raising Pokémon to a degree that I had never experienced before. It’s much easier to plan for specific destinations, so I could always put together a team strong against local Pokémon and level up quickly. All the quests are labeled with Pokémon type, so that’s easier to plan for as well. It’s all about character building, training, party building, and hunting. I love that all Pokémon are visible now. I’m not forced to fight 100 Weedles while looking for that single rare Pikachu. I can target higher leveled creatures and raise levels without nearly as much tedium. I’m not sure if I’ve ever had more fun catching and raising Pokémon before, and that’s with 20+ years under my belt. It’s certainly the high point of the game.

 My one major gripe is that it doesn’t lean into the open world RPG concept enough. Within the first hour of gameplay all the quest locations are marked on the map. It’s not like and Elder Scrolls game where everything is wide open and discovering new locations will open up new quests. I know some of you are going to groan when you read this, but I really would’ve enjoyed more fetch quests. In a game that’s all about leveling up it’s nice to have more excuses to explore. Why not throw in a wider variety of quests? Side quests lessen the grind and encourage exploration. Why not have random townspeople asking for you to defeat 10 Nosepasses? I promise that kind of thing is fun.

 

That gripe is a little bit more personal I know, but another more general critique I have is that many of the new features don’t add much to the game. You can now make your own TMs by collecting certain items and spending points. It’s a neat concept, but I just never felt the need to make TMs all that often. Sure I used it occasionally, but considering the sheer amount of crafting materials that are out there it feels like the developers were expecting me to make hundreds of TMs. Then there’s the controversial sandwich making. I had fun making them, and I love the eating animation, but the perks that came along with the sandwiches never seemed to add up to much. The fact that you have to actually set up a picnic and then build the sandwiches yourself piece by piece makes it take too long to be enticing as well. Still, it is fun to see just how much bacon you can pile onto one sandwich.

 Overall, however, I had a great time playing Scarlet (it was three dollars cheaper than Violet in case you were wondering why I chose it). The focus on training motivated me more than some of the older games in the series. I wasn’t stuck walking back and forth on a higher-level road slowly inching forward. The world was big enough that I always felt like there was somewhere new to discover. In a way it almost seems futile reviewing a Pokémon game this long into its history. If you’re a fan of the series than there’s no reason you won’t like this one. You probably won’t like everything about it, but I don’t see how a Pokémon fan could play this game and not have fun. I know I had a great time with it. I probably had more fun with Scarlet than I did with Pokémon Legends: Arceus even though Legends is probably the better game. The series just has a golden formula. There are always things to complain about, but unless something goes wrong main series Pokémon games will always be fun.

 

So here’s where I add this game to may rankings, and it shows where my loyalties are. This is certainly not the greatest Pokémon game, but I’m still ranking it all the way up at #8. I just love Pokémon games, and I had much more fun with it than any game ranked lower. That means that I have a new game in my top 10, and it’s interesting that only three of them didn’t originate on Nintendo systems, and even those were eventually ported over. I swear I’m not a Nintendo loyalist. I can’t help it if they have so many great games. Right now, the highest rated game that has never been on a Nintendo system is Viva Pinata at #15. I need to expand my horizons and play more games on other consoles. Are there any good Sega games out there?

The List: Ranking List

Atari Jaguar #3: Club Drive

Developer: Atari

Publisher: Atari

Release Date: 11-28-94

 

So far, we have been talking about Jaguar games that look nice but play somewhat poorly. Well Club Drive is a nice change of pace. It’s a game that both looks bad and plays bad. The graphics look like a parody of what people thought computer animation would look like in the mid 80s, and it is all about driving wobbly cars toward boring and unclear goals. The fact that it came out in late November on the same day as another poorly received first party racing game, Checkered Flag, is certainly one of the reasons the Jaguar failed. If you can’t even do a decent racing game after a whole year of practice than you have problem. It’s not like decent racing games are that hard to make. Almost every console has at least one. The 2600 had quite a few good ones. In their early arcade years Atari practically popularized the genre. But when it came to Jaguar they seemed completely lost. At least it’s good for a few laughs.

(What more do you need to know? Also note that the tv is showing your game in progress as if seeing it once wasn't bad enough)

 

Considering how bad this game looks the backstory is hilarious. The game takes place in the future where normal driving is obsolete, and people come to the Club Drive amusement park to drive death-poof cars in exciting environments. Well that at least explains the game’s dumb golf-styled name. This game is supposed to look futuristic, but it’s about as advanced as a Model T. The cars can’t kill anybody, but patrons could easily die impaling themselves on any of the thousand sharp, 90 degree angles to be found everywhere. I’ve never seen a blockier 3D game. Everything is made out of single-colored geometric shapes. It’s a bad sign when you see your car for the first time and can’t tell if you’re looking at the front or the back. I know some people will argue that graphics don’t matter, but that’s a strange notion in a visual medium like a video game. Graphical power may not matter as far as overall quality, but nothing can be more distracting in a video game than bad graphics. This is especially true in a game like Club Drive where the graphics are so bad it’s hard to tell what anything even is. Nothing’s funnier and more depressing than seeing a legless, perfectly rectangular cat that looks more like a toaster with a hood ornament than any kind of animal. How is it even moving?  Is that a cat with wheels? If so, why am I not able to drive the cat around? That sounds like more fun the regular game. Even my six-year-old knew it was bad.

(It must be San Francisco. It has hills!)

 

The gameplay isn’t much more inspired than the graphics. I know this is listed as a racing game, but it’s more of a driving simulator. At no time will you be racing against other cars. There is a racing mode, but it’s actually just a solo drive from point A to point B and back. I suppose the goal was to show off the good graphics by having the player experience the whole environments. Too bad they forgot to include any. There’s really no way to lose this mode so the only goal is to try to get a better time. At least it saves high scores. The other mode has you collecting pods scattered around shortened versions of the levels. Once again, the goal is to simply improve your own best time. Unfortunately, the pods pop up in a different order every time, so the goal is practically negated. How are you supposed to improve when it’s all random? All the while your car shakes and skids like it is constantly driving on a block of ice. It’s a true triple threat. It’s looks bad, plays bad, and controls bad.

(I think that's Iron Soldier off in the distance. I wish I was playing that game instead.)

 

So with Club Drive we have the Atari Jaguar’s first true stinker. Sadly, it won’t be the last, but it’s one of the more entertaining of the Jaguar’s total disasters. What really solidifies it’s infamous place in history is its release date. Some of the real stinkers came out closer to the end of the Jaguar’s life when Atari was circling the drain and was just trying to recoup some of it’s losses. Club Drive came out soon after the console went national. By then the Jaguar had a few good first party games, but the double whammy of Club Drive and Checkered Flag certainly put a damper on things heading into Christmas of 1994. I hope Jaguar owners got Tempest 2000 instead. As far as my rankings go I am putting it, appropriately enough, right above E.T. at #108. I don’t like the order of some of my bad games, so it may be subject to change. It’s at the bottom of the Jaguar list of course, but since we still have games like Fight for Life on the horizon that won’t last forever. At least there’s that.

 

Jaguar Quality Percentage: 0/3

 

Jaguar Rankings

 1. Cybermorph

2. Trevor McFur in the Crescent Galaxy

3. Club Drive

Atari Jaguar #2: Cybermorph

Developer: Attention to Detail

Publisher: Atari

Release Date: 11-23-93

 

If you know anything about the Atari Jaguar than you have probably heard about Cybermorph. It’s probably the system’s most well-known game. This comes more from it being fist, however, than from it being particularly memorable. Cybermorph was the pack-in for the Jag, so if you are one of the ten people who got a Jaguar in its early days than you probably played this one to death. Its status as a pack-in title has also kept it affordable in the modern day meaning that if you bought a Jaguar many years after its demise than you have still probably played it. Thank of it as the Jaguar version of Super Mario Bros./Duck Hunt. Is that going a little too far? Okay maybe the Jaguar version of Las Vegas Poker and Blackjack. Either way it’s an important game on the console, and one that’s also interesting to talk about.

 

The Atari Jaguar only had four games going into its first Christmas, and while this isn’t necessarily a bad sign considering its November release, it does mean that every game needs to be important. Atari was trying to make a big statement, and it’s difficult with so few games to choose from. However, if they were going for impressive visuals than Cybermorph was a great place to start. Much like Trevor McFur it’s a great looking game. It’s a free-roaming 3D shooter which was practically unheard of in the console world at the time. Sure, Star Fox looked great, but you couldn’t back up and explore another path. At least in a technical sense the alien worlds presented were open to exploration in a way that very few space shooters had been before. Unfortunately, much like Trevor McFur they nailed the graphics and presentation, but faltered a bit in the gameplay department.

 

The premise of the game is surprisingly simple. You go to different planets, fly through trenches, and collect pods. When you collect enough pods, you find the exit and do the same in the next level. An attractive bald lady is on board to give you advice, but she mostly makes fun of you. This is probably the part of the game that most people know about it. Didn’t Atari learn that people don’t like to be constantly made fun of while they play a game? Hey maybe this game is like Duck Hunter after all. I was surprised by how much Cybermorph reminded me of Pac-Man. There are open areas to explore, but much of the game takes place in maze-like trenches surrounded by impassible mountains.  It’s all about flying through mazes and collecting dots. At least Cybermorph gives you a radar and has a wider variety of enemies. Not to say it’s better than Pac-Man, but it is better than the theoretical 3D “Pac-Man 2000” that this game could’ve been. Cybermorph must be good if it makes me start talking about imaginary games.

 

Where this game falters, however, is in the combat. There is no logical progression in the levels, so they often go from no enemies to swarming death within seconds. Your ship can’t take very many hits, so usually if you see a swarm of enemies coming you will die. The best strategy seems to be avoiding danger altogether which is never fun in a game like this. There are powerups to be found, but they are not nearly as helpful as they should be and don’t change the strategy much. There are no continues and only three lives. I know you can earn more by getting a whole bunch of points, but I’ve never even been close to that amount because everything is too dangerous. I’ve played rounds that lasted about a minute before I was blown to smithereens. Clearly the 3D combat was not refined enough, and it keeps the game from living up to its potential.

 

I very much wanted to like Cybermorph and put it in the good column. In fact, I remember enjoying this game fifteen years ago when I first got my Jaguar. Unfortunately, it’s not a game that has stood the test of time very well. The visuals are still fun, but the gameplay is too repetitive and too hard. If I had gotten a Jaguar in 1993 (which I really wanted) I probably would’ve convinced myself that Cybermorph was a winner. Deep down inside, however, I would've known that it’s another mediocre space shooter on a doomed console that really needed an impressive first year to have a chance at success. It did get some good reviews at the time it came out, but overall, the reception was mixed. Of course, it wasn’t all doom and gloom when the console came out and, in a few months, they would start to release games more regularly and would end up having their killer app. So, if you were one of the 10 people who got a Jaguar for Christmas in 1994 than you might feel a bit more optimistic. Too bad things would only get worse from there. I’m ranking it one game above Trevor McFur at #68 which is close to the good section so at least it’s not in the red. We’ll get some good one on the list fairly soon I promise.

(screenshots are from mobygames.com)

 

Atari Jaguar Quality Percentage: 0/2

Atari Jaguar Rankings

1. Cybermorph

2. Trevor McFur in the Crescent Galaxy

Ranking List

Atari Jaguar #1: Trevor McFur in the Crescent Galaxy

Developer: Atari

Publisher: Atari

Release Date: 11-23-93

(I seriously love this box art)

 

Leading up to it Trevor McFur in the Crescent Galaxy looked like a wild ride. The advertising made it sound like it was going to be a furry James Bond. Was this the kooky mascot game that would propel Atari back into relevance? Was it going to be Metal Gear with more cat puns? The beautifully absurd box art made it look even more exciting. Trevor is a ladies' man as well as a feline spy. Who doesn’t want to play that game? Unfortunately, Trevor McFur in the Crescent Galaxy is not that game. It turns out to be a mostly generic, horizontal scrolling shooter. Now I love these types of shooters, but there were only four games released before Jaguar’s first Christmas, and three of them were shooters. It’s hard to make a big splash at such a critical time when all of your games are so similar. Of course, the Atari Jaguar only managed 50 carts in four years, so lack of games was always a problem.

(The first level plays like a game of Asteroids. It's better just to ignore the big rocks entirely.)

 

Its release does make some sense, however. It is certainly a technical marvel. At the time of its release, it was one of the best-looking side scrolling cartridge games ever. It’s hard not to look at the photo realistic backgrounds, large sprites, and gigantic fast-moving bosses and not think that Jaguar showed a lot of promise. Huge objects cover the screen with no hint of slowdown or lag. It’s a game that rivals any of the CD-ROM systems of the time on a console that was much, much cheaper. It makes me wonder if Atari would’ve had more success advertising themselves as a cheaper alternative to high-end consoles than going directly after Nintendo and Sega. Of course, asking how the Jaguar could’ve been a success is one of the oldest questions in the retro community. Still, it’s hard to deny that there was potential there.

(Now this is what the whole game should've looked like)

 

I just wish that Atari had put as much into the gameplay as they did in the visuals. It’s not a bad game, but it’s a game that shooter fans had seen a thousand times before. It has plenty of enemy spaceships, one hit kills, abundant power-ups, and lots of enemies attacking in formation. One of the better mechanics is the ability to save up different types of special weapons and toggle between them. Often in shooters one power-up will replace another. In Trevor McFur you can save them up and use them strategically. You can use your shields in asteroid fields and save the big guns for the boss fights. It’s a nice touch for a game that needs some innovation.

 

Sadly, Trevor McFur never quite rises above average. It never becomes frantic enough to reach bullet-hell territory, but there’s also not enough variety to keep the slower pace interesting. The levels are too long and unchanging. However, it’s certainly not a worthless game. I am not very good at it, but I still want to get better. It’s engaging enough that I still want to play, so that has to count for something. As far as the ranking goes, I really wanted to push this one into the good section, but it just falls short. It’s right near the top of the okay section in a group of games that are still worth playing even if they are not of high quality. It’s sliding in at #68 just behind that overrated cult classic Demon’s Crest. Hey at least that game made a star out of its wacky main character. It’s a shame that Trevor McFur was kept inside of a spaceship the whole game. Could you imagine if this had been a furry version of Metal Gear?

 

 Jaguar Quality Percentage: 0/1

The Whole list: Ranking List

NES #28: Magic Johnson's Fast Break

Developer: Software Creations

Publisher: Tradewest

Release Date: 1990

 (The jersey is just a generic one, but in a couple years there would be a team called Magic. That's kind of fun)

There are two reasons I wanted to review Magic Johnson’s Fast Break even though old sports games don’t get many clicks. The first one is that Pat Contri claimed, in what just may be the end of his Amico coverage, that it is a one-star game. That’s enough to make me want to play it right there. I love playing games that are old, bad, and that I already own despite having no recollection of playing. The second reason is that I live in Magic’s hometown of Lansing, Michigan. He’s probably Lansing’s most famous native son, and the competition is surprisingly stiff. Lansing was also home to Malcolm X, Burt Reynolds, and Stephen Seagal. That’s impressive for such a modest sized city.  Sadly, there aren’t too many games based on other famous Lansingites, so I was excited to revisit Magic Johnson’s Fast Break as a tribute to my adopted hometown. Of course, just like everything he said about the Amico, Pat Contri was right about this one. No wonder I forgot about this game. It’s about as slight as a basketball game can be.

 

Magic Johnson’s Fast Break is a 2-on-2 basketball game that feels more like a tech demo than a complete game. I feel that the only reason it exists is because four people can play it at once. Being able to play with three other people is a fun concept, but you still have to make a quality game if you want people to actually buy what you are selling. Unfortunately, outside of four-player action and Magic Johnson’s disembodied head, this game has nothing going for it. There are only two unnamed teams that you don’t even get to choose, and all four characters play exactly the same. Every player is equally adept at stealing the ball and shooting three pointers, and I didn’t notice much difference in speed. The only option besides number of players is difficulty which makes for very little variety. It probably won’t surprise you by now, but there is also no season or tournament mode. So if you’re playing one player it’s just one game per difficulty level. How anyone thought such a skimpy game was acceptable so late in the NES’s lifespan is beyond me.

 

I might be more forgiving if the gameplay was solid, but there are problems with this too. This may be the only time that a sports game on the NES is too fast. I suppose fast is in the title, but the speed comes in annoying ways. After a shot is made it goes instantly to the inbound pass. It’s so quick that half the time I didn’t even realize what was happening. Stealing and passing are both done with the B button, so often possession would change mid steal and I would accidentally inbound it to the wrong team. This isn’t helped by the lousy shot animation. The net doesn’t move, the fans don’t cheer, and the shots are so low angled that it’s hard to tell if a shot is good or bad until possession changes. The NES was already five years old at this point. There’s just no excuse for such bad execution.

 

Like most branded sports games from the era, you don’t actually get to play as Magic Johnson. Instead, you are merely encouraged by him. When you do something impressive like making a three pointer, he will pop up and say something like “nice bomb kid.” Honestly the only good strategy in this game is to shoot a three every time, so you’ll see Magic a lot. It’s a good likeness, but it gets in the way more than anything. Sometimes he won’t pop up until the other team is running down the court which messes up the timing. It’s hard to defend when the action suddenly stops mid drive. This is a strange case where the game would be better with less of its star. He gives very generic advice between quarters which is fine but pointless. He will congratulate you if you win the game. Being congratulated by Magic Johnson does have a certain thrill to it, but I wish this was a game that made me feel more accomplished. In the end Magic’s compliment rings hollow, much like the game itself.

 

There were a few moments when playing that the score was close, and the game was somewhat exciting. I will admit that I enjoyed myself in these moments. This might be more because of the inherent fun of basketball than the game itself, however. The slight fun I had keeps it out of the cellar though, and it ends up right under Fester’s Quest on both lists. The fact that there are already eight games on my NES list under this one is either a bad sign for the console or the result of my questionable game selection. At least I know that many good games lie ahead.

 

NES Quality Percentage: 14/28 or 50% 

https://1drv.ms/w/s!AvR1pVOGMfAniEZub_KTCsR7twUv?e=cG7vSp

NES #27: Fester's Quest

Developer: Sunsoft

Publisher: Sunsoft

Release Date: 1989

(That is some appealing cover art. I wish the game actually had the mansion in it.)

There are some things in life that annoy me far more than they should, such as when IGN released their list of the top 100 NES games well over a decade ago. It was fairly obvious that they did not play the nearly 800 North American games for the system and create an honest list. They simply took the most famous ones and threw in a couple of ultra-rare ones for good measure. It’s something I should really stop thinking about. I know video game lists are meaningless. Well, besides mine anyway. I suppose it bothers me because their rankings seemed to be based more on memory than merit. How else do you explain IGN ranking a game like Fester’s Quest, one that’s much more famous for its flaws than its strengths, all the way up at #45? Either the folks at IGN hadn’t played it since the early 90s or there just aren’t as many good NES games as I thought there were. Honestly, I don’t like either of those options. I’m ranking around 800 of them, so having so few good games to play would be a depressing slog. So, I played Fester’s Quest at the end of 2022 just a few weeks within me writing this review. I’m not clouded by nostalgia and can talk about it honestly. Sorry IGN, but Fester’s Quest is just not that good. It’s not the worst game on your list, but it sure is a flawed gaming experience.

 

Fester’s Quest is a game that every gamer around my age played and enjoyed for about fifteen minutes. It starts out looking like a Zelda inspired adventure game. That’s certainly an exciting prospect when most licensed games at the time were boring side scrollers. Fester’s gun is upgradable, and there are items and money to collect. Why, this game looks like it’s going to be complex and interesting. There are even other Addams Family characters to find in random houses that give Fester helpful items. Sadly, if you make it very far past the first boss, which is no easy feat in itself, you start to realize that all the complexity is just facade. It doesn’t get much more basic and repetitive than Fester’s Quest, which is really strange considering it’s a game where Uncle Fester is fighting aliens. How can a game with such an interesting premise end up so boring?

(I thought this was really cool when I was eight)

 

Some of this game’s flaws are very famous. Fester’s gun is only effective at its highest level, but getting all the upgrades can take a while and there are enemy drops that lower the gun’s level. If you get a pile of enemy drops at once, it’s best just to stand still and wait for them to disappear. What kind of a game makes you scared to pick up items? It’s also famously difficult in large part to the constantly respawning enemies. I like a good challenge, but not a boring one. The main difficulty in Fester’s Quest comes from being too slow to avoid the onslaught of enemies. There are a few times where strategy and skill come into play, but it’s mostly just slowly inching forward while constantly shooting. I highly recommend using a turbo controller for this game. Yes, even though I don’t like it much I still think you should play it. Play everything!

(Usually I love games with keys and hot dogs. I guess there's always an exception.)

 

What surprised me the most about this game, however, is just how shallow it is. Sure, it looks like an expansive world, but it’s depressingly linear. A street scene leads to a hole which leads to a sewer. There are a few houses to visit, but they are on the normal paths and only need to be visited once. All the sewers look the same and mostly have the same enemies. Even when a new enemy is introduced there will soon be a thousand of them making the novelty wear off quickly. The bosses are hidden in Wizardry-esque 3D dungeons, but each one is comprised of gray, smooth walls and floors. Even a couple of the bosses are strangely similar which is sad since there are only six of them. Even the UFO at the end of the game plays just like any other sewer section with different graphics. Everybody hates the sewer sections, and yet by the halfway point they start to take over the whole game. The streets only exist to house items and give Fester a chance to buy a life restoring hot dog. Never underestimate the healing powers of meat in old video games. There are less items to collect as it goes on, so by the end it’s just pop into one sewer, kill a thousand slime monsters, pop back out of the sewer, and go to the boss maze.

(Sewers made a big comeback after TMNT got big. I'm not joking. I was there!)

 

Sunsoft has a good reputation with retro gamers, but honestly, I’m not sure if I like any of their NES games all that much including Blaster Master. Fester’s Quest fits into that Sunsoft mold of taking way too long to finish because it all has to be done in one sitting. I don’t know what they were thinking making a game that takes hours and hours to complete without being able to stop and come back later. In Fester’s Quest when you die you go all the way back to the beginning. You keep your items, and the bosses stay dead, but you still have to slowly trek back to where you left off. If you think those sewers are tedious the first time, just think about having to go through them a dozen times while your weekend quickly melts away. I love video games more than anything, but I don’t want to get stuck in a tedious loop for hours. It gets old fast.

 

As you can already tell, Fester’s Quest is not going to rank particularly high. Sure, it’s in my top 45 NES games, but that’s just because I haven’t ranked 45 yet. It’s not quite bad enough to fall into the red section, but It’s still in the middle of the blue section. It’s not as tedious as Hogan’s Alley so I’ll give it that. Hopefully more and more NES games I review will end up in the green section. I play so many bad obscurities on here because the great games have been reviewed to death, but I might play some classics in the near future just to remind me why it’s my favorite console of all time. I still believe in you NES. I just hope after I review them all I don’t feel differently.

https://1drv.ms/w/s!AvR1pVOGMfAniEZub_KTCsR7twUv?e=GCICZP

Sega CD #1: Panic!

Developer: Office I, Sega AM7 R&D Division

Publisher: Data East

Release Date: 1993

 

The Sega CD was a platform that had all the potential in the world. It was the first relatively affordable CD system to make it to market in the US, and it was released during the height of Sega’s popularity. Sure, it connected awkwardly and needed and extra plug but think of all the possibilities for sound and video. It was also home to some truly great games. So why did it fall short and become mostly the butt of jokes today? Well, it’s probably because of games like Panic!. Sega thought that consumers would be more interested in the novelty than the gameplay, so too many games fall into the “push a button, watch something happen” category. Panic! doesn’t have the grainy visuals or C-list actors like all too many Sega CD games, but it may be the ultimate anti-game on the console. It’s a game that does the opposite of what a game is supposed to do. If you like gameplay or coherence stay far away. It’s hard to even say you play this game. In true anti-game fashion, Panic! plays you.

The humor is juvenile even though the game is not for kids

 

So, here’s how the thing works. You play as a kid who has been sucked into a TV and has to traverse a series of rooms to deliver an antidote to the main computer in order to stop a horrible virus. You do this by standing frozen in random rooms and pushing buttons that hopefully take you to the next room but usually give you some weird skit that is supposed to be funny but fails every time. Basically, it’s push a button, hope for the best, receive the worst. It’s a game of little comedy scenes that never fail to be unfunny. I’m sure the funniest thing was the look on my face as I watched the supposed hilarity unfold. You might push a button in an elevator and some telephones walk by. You might push another button and a sumo wrestler with a high voice might walk by. The developers were under the impression that if anything happens in a certain situation that would not normally happen in that situation it is automatically funny. The timing is all off too. Some things that might be amusing, like the screen shrinking on the poor protagonist, if they didn’t take so darn long. Other weird gags happen so fast you can’t even comprehend them. I suppose that’s the point in some cases, but don’t the developers know that comedy is all about timing? The gags are so unfunny, and the situation is so dire that I was actually relieved to see a mountain turn into a giant farting butt. At least this is something that may be recognized by someone as humor. At least it wasn’t, like, the Mona Lisa except she starts singing or something like that. When you’re praising a giant farting butt you know a game doesn’t have much to offer.

Isn't this hilarious and random!

 Oh, but it gets even more random. Do you want to finish this game? Well good luck, because the whole game is one giant, extremely confusing maze. Every room has two teleport buttons. They will each send you to a different room with no way to tell if you are getting closer or farther from the exit. It’s not the type of game where you improve as you go, because there’s no indication of progress whatsoever. Do you need to go through some of the same rooms more than once sometimes? Who knows. There is no way to tell. I know they want to be random and unexpected, but it’s just one frustrating mess. Who wants to keep popping up in the same room over and over once they have seen all the gags? Movement is slow because of all the classic Sega CD load times. I’m not even sure how to map this thing because there’s no way to tell which room is closer to the exit and which one is farther. You could wander through this purgatory for hours. How anyone thought this was a good idea is beyond me.

Mutant toothpaste tubes maybe?

 

I find it hilarious that Panic! Is one of the few games to use the Sega CD mouse. All you do is push buttons in a grid. It’s not like you need to move fast or use any precision whatsoever. It is a completely pointless peripheral in a completely pointless game. So, as you can tell, I didn’t care for Panic! much. Maybe I’m looking for different things than other gamers, but it would take a very impressive presentation for me to rank a gameplay-free video game particularly high. I play video games to get away from passive entertainment. I want to be involved in what happens on the screen. It would take an amazing story or some very unique visuals to impress me when there’s nothing actually for me to do. What’s not going to impress me is dogs with boobs and bicycles with triangle wheels that aren’t doing much beyond existing. So this game is going low. Very, very low. I would be stunned if this didn’t turn out to be the worst game on all of Sega CD, or at least the worst that actually presents itself as a game. It’s all the way down at 116, which is seventh from the bottom and only ahead of a couple of Hyperscan games and the NGPC casino games. I can’t really buy the excuse that it’s just too Japanese for the American audience. There’s plenty of Japanese humor that makes me laugh. Panic! is unfunny in any language. Don’t blame the Japanese when a game falls flat. Maybe it really is just bad. 

The List! Ranking List.docx - Microsoft Word Online (live.com)

(Images are from mobygames.com)