NES #45: Swamp Thing

Developer: Imagineering

Publisher: THQ

Release Date: December 1992

After so many strange detours, it’s odd to play something from THQ that’s just a regular game. Swamp Thing isn’t bizarrely terrible. It doesn’t try new things and fail. It’s just a typical side-scroller. This is probably the type of game that you’re thinking of when you’re thinking of licensed NES titles. It plays decently, it’s competently made, and it’s completely forgettable. It’s such a typical game that I feel the need to pad out this introduction. I would go into the history of Swamp Thing, but I don’t even know that much about Swamp Thing. I feel like that is a common situation. Most people have heard of Swamp Thing, but few know that much about him. I know that there was a Swamp Thing tv show airing on USA at the time. I also know that there was a long running Swamp Thing comic at the time  which ran for 171 issues and had garnered some acclaim in the mid 80s when Alan Moore was the writer. He was long gone by 1992, but Swamp Thing was still a fairly popular character, so adapting him for an NES game made sense. I could do a whole series on comic book games for NES, because outside of Batman they were pretty dire. Some of the worst games I’ve ever played are NES super hero games. Luckily Swamp Thing doesn’t sink quite so low, but it probably won’t surprise anyone to find out that it’s not a hidden gem either. Still, I think it is slightly better than what most critics say. Maybe that’s just because I’ve been playing so many terrible THQ games. Hopefully I can be objective in my review.

They certainly weren’t counting on people knowing much about Swamp Thing, because the game starts with one of the longest intros I can think of in an NES action game. It really gives you the whole backstory in nice looking but lightly animated scenes. The game itself is pretty standard side-scrolling action. You might even say bog standard. Get it, because it’s Swamp Thing? The first level is a sprawling swamp with the typical NES trappings. Platforms pile up into the sky, so there is some exploring to be done. The ultimate goal is to get to the part of the level where it stops scrolling and walk into the offscreen void, but all the platform jumping is nice for variety. There are projectiles and other powerups to collect, but there’s not that much to find out there. I like how most of the cabins have an endless supply of knives flying out of the door. It reminds me that Swamp Thing is one of those characters who is a hero but seen by normal people as a villain. Of course, these same knives tend to hit me and kill me, but I can still enjoy annoying things.

If you’re wondering why I’m spending so much time describing the first level than let me tell you about the game’s biggest flaw. Swamp Thing is way too hard. There are few lives and no continues, and almost anything that moves is deadly. This might not even be so bad if the levels were shorter, but the first level is so long that traversing it over and over really drains the fun out of the game. The second level makes things even harder by adding bouncy skulls, deadly pits, little demons that are too short to hit, deadly bubbles, and lava pits. Level two is as far as I have been able to get. I’m sorry if this makes me a bad reviewer, but I’m only human. It’s a bit of a shame because the rest of the game at least looks interesting. I like the macabre setting of level three’s graveyard. It definitely doesn’t look like it ever gets any easier though, and of course with a game over I’d have to start all over again. It seems like by 1992 almost every game had at least a continue or two. It’s really a flaw in my book. You don’t have to dumb yourself down too much Swamp Thing, I just want to experience your game.

So, this review is a bit of a short one. And by short I of course mean just about the same length as all my other reviews. Maybe I just mean short in content. There’s just not that much to say about Swamp Thing. It’s a typical 8-bit side scroller that looks fairly nice but is way too difficult. The gameplay isn’t dynamic enough to support the difficulty, so I can’t say I recommend this one. I’ll probably keep trying to play through it, but I’m a masochist who wants to finish every game I encounter. Having said that, however, it’s still one of the better THQ games on NES. I thought it might rise all the way up to the purple section, but instead it’s in the upper part of the bad section at 132. It’s one of the better bad games I have played which has to be good for something I suppose. Thankfully I only have one THQ game to go and then I might take a break from NES reviews for a while. Maybe there’s a good PlayStation RPG out there I can play. That would certainly be a nice change of pace.

NES Quality Percentage 21/45 or 46.66%

Ranking List.docx

 

NES #44: James Bond Jr.

Developer: Eurocom

Publisher: THQ

Release Date: November 1992

This is the final THQ game left that is based on a semi-obscure cartoon, but at least it’s a cartoon based on a franchise everyone has heard of. Hey it’s good ol’ James Bond! That’s a franchise perfect for video games. There have been a ton of Bond games over the year running the entire spectrum from classic to garbage. For the curious, the first was the 1982 ZX Spectrum text adventure Shaken but not Stirred. Maybe I’ll get to that one if I ever have time to start reviewing old computer games. Of course James Bond Jr. is a bit different in that it was based on the syndicated 1991 cartoon which featured the adventures of Bond’s hip young nephew. I know that James Bond should probably have dozens of illegitimate children out there, but they make sure and remind you over and over the he is James Bond’s nephew, and not his son. The cartoon itself seems decent enough if you can handle bad British accents. Hey why get actual British teenagers when you could have American adults who sound like they’re sucking on helium balloons? Anyway, I’m getting distracted. After all the episodes were produced and were being syndicated ad-nauseum on local affiliates for kids to watch on sick days, THQ released a video game. Eurocom developed it, and they seemed like a good choice despite being a relatively new developer a the time. They would be extremely prolific for the next two decades, and largely specialize in licensed properties. They would end up making a bunch of James Bond games, but not the most famous ones. Of course this is THQ on NES, so you have to keep your expectations low.

(Hey, it's only many of your top scientists. Some of them are still free. You should look on the bright side!)

Right when I started playing James Bond Jr. I knew it was going to annoy me. I could tell by the confusing layout that this wasn’t going to be a game I could play for fifteen minutes and fake my way through the review. This isn’t a bad game that’s bad in a normal way. It’s a game trying to be good that ends up finding its own special ways to be bad. It really feels like they were trying too. The game is split up into large levels with specific goals to meet. It’s not a game about going from point a to point b. The first level, for example, has James exploring a mostly subterranean world looking for missiles to diffuse. It’s a game that actually requires exploration which is always welcome in the NES era. The levels are diverse, and it shows that some actual work was put into them. It’s not quite the quickie cash-in that so many of these THQ games have been. Still, it all falls apart in the execution.

 There are just too many little annoyances in James Bond Jr. The most obviously annoying part is the combat. James’ gun is just too weak. Even the most standard enemies take a dozen or more hits. This makes for some very tedious battles. I stand there and shoot while knowing that I should dodge sometimes, but there’s a clock constantly counting down. I can’t waste time with strategy when I have to spend so much time shooting. I actually enjoy the timer. I think it adds some needed tension to the game. I just wish that the boring combat didn’t waste so much of the time.  There are also mini bosses that take even more shots. None of them are fun to encounter and just have me spamming when I should be engaging.

 

The controls are annoying as well. The game is not bogged down by commands, but there are still some strange choices. Sometimes James has to log into a computer, so pushing the up button makes him face the front to do so. Unfortunately, this also makes him face forward even when he’s not in front of a computer. If James could point his weapon up with the button instead the game would be much improved. Unfortunately, he can only shoot straight ahead. There is also a truly baffling command where instead of pressing select to toggle through items you have to push select and down at the same time. I have no idea why it is like this. Select isn’t mapped to any other command. Why not just have select do this? I would never have figured this out if I didn’t look at the manual online. How can you make such a vital command so hard to figure out? And you have to figure it out soon because James has to switch to his scuba gear to go underwater. Movement underwater is also quite annoying because instead of just using the control pad to get around you have to tap A to have him swim. This makes swimming harder than it needs to be, but the whole game is harder than it needs to be.

Even without the major annoyances, though, I still don’t think it would end up in the good section. That’s because the more I play it the more it bugs me. Is there anything worse than sliding puzzles? Well James Bond Jr. has sliding puzzles that also include a loud, beeping alarm. This is just unpleasant on unpleasant. It’s hard to even think with the alarm constantly going off, and the puzzles are actually fairly difficult. I appreciate that they were trying to do things besides side-scrolling and boss fights, but sadly it just doesn’t work. Still, THQ could do a lot worse.

 

So as much as I dislike James Bond Jr. I appreciate the ambition and think it’s one of the better THQ games. It’s not soul-crushingly awful, it’s just an averagely bad game that misses the mark. I suppose they were trying to make something like Impossible Mission for kids. Unfortunately, it ends up being too hard for kids and too annoying for adults. It comes in at #130 on the list which means it’s not quite the cellar dweller that so many THQ games have been. In fact, it’s the second-best THQ game so far. With only two to go it’s likely to stay that way, but you never can tell. I’m just happy that I only have two more games to go before I can play something else. Maybe I’ll play something good after this, but that does seem a bit out of character these days. This makes seven bad games in a row. Of course, since I decide what I’m going to review around here there’s nobody to blame but myself. I hope you are enjoying reading these as much as I have not enjoyed playing them.

 

NES Quality Percentage: 21/44 or 47.72%

(Images are from mobygames.com again.)

Ranking List.docx

NES #43: Attack of the Killer Tomatoes

 Developer: Imagineering

Publisher: THQ

Release Date: January 1992

 

In a way Attack of the Killer Tomatoes is the opposite of Home Alone 2: Lost in New York. With Home Alone 2, Imagineering made a completely bonkers game out of a standard, boring kids movie. It’s a bad game, but killer suitcases and homicidal maids are more memorable than watching Kevin order too much room service and bugging an unusually boring Tim Curry. Attack of the Killer Tomatoes is a true oddball. The original movie came out in 1978 and was basically a cult classic by design. It was made cheaply, savaged by critics, not liked that much more by audiences, but somehow spawned a minor media franchise including the Saturday morning cartoon this game was based on. The movies were not made with children in mind but turning weird non-kids' movies into cartoons wasn’t that unusual at the time. This is the same era that gave us Toxic Crusaders after all. The show was surprisingly strange and irreverent being mostly based on the more comedic sequel, Return of the Killer Tomatoes. It was full of meta humor and odd characters. I was hoping for a weird game to go along with the weird franchise. Well, this time around Imagineering made one of the most normal games they could possibly make. It’s so normal that it is a bit hard to write about. It’s the type of 8-bit platformer that I’ve played hundreds of times. Normal is not bad in itself, so does Attack of the Killer Tomatoes have anything to offer besides mild nostalgia?

Well, it’s not unpleasant to play at least. The controls are decent, and the graphics are fine. It’s not offensively terrible like certain other licensed NES titles. It’s just that there’s so little to get excited about. Most of the game is walking to the right and jumping on tomatoes. I know it’s accurate to the show, but there really are a lot of generic tomato enemies. Most of them are normal looking tomatoes that you just have to jump on once. Somehow this ends up being more difficult than it sounds, and I found myself frequently getting injured during my tomato stomping. There are some less common variations like bats and worms, but they don’t show up nearly as much as the normal mutated tomatoes. Every so often there will be a larger semi-boss, but they don’t add much to the experience. They mostly wander without much purpose, and some of them can be skipped entirely. The levels are somewhat maze-like, but all of the branching paths just lead to more tomatoes or various health restorers. None of the attempts at depth really work. Most of the time my attempts to collect more health just led to me getting hurt even more, and there’s just nothing else to find down all those branching paths.

 

It’s also a game that is stunningly short. I know length is relative in 8-bit games because they tend to be difficult and full of permadeath. Contra may be only about twenty minutes in length, but it will take many attempts for a player to get good enough to actually finish. Attack of The Killer Tomatoes is a fairly difficult game. It took me several attempts to progress past the sewer section. Still, the entire game only takes about eleven minutes. That’s just not enough for any amount of difficulty to justify. And those first couple levels are not fun enough to be played so many times. It is slightly longer than it appears, however, because the game has a fake-out ending. This is a fun meta-nod to the kooky source material that I approve of. I might have been a little annoyed if it was a longer game that I thought I had finally finished. Still, this clever trick doesn’t hide the briefness of the overall experience. The short length just makes it feel like another cheap cash-in.

 Attack of the Killer Tomatoes is yet another forgotten THQ game released after a Christmas season which saw many households upgrading to a 16-bit system. It came out with little fanfare while nobody was paying attention and never gained a cult following like some of the other THQ games. They just didn’t do a bad enough job to make a memorable game or a good enough job to make a decent one. I am putting it just a notch above Home Alone 2 because it is a better made game, and there is a chance that people might feel compelled to actually play it and not gawk it at. Still, that’s about as much good as I can say about Attack of the Killer Tomatoes. For a game made from such an interesting IP it sure doesn’t make much of an impression.

Overall Rank: 143/164

NES Rank: 39/43

NES Quality Percentage: 21/43 or 48.83%

(screenshots are from mobygames.com. I tried to take my own this time, but for some reason they didn't save. I'm still learning how to use my new computer.)

NES #42: Home Alone 2: Lost in New York

 NES #42: Home Alone 2: Lost in New York

 

Developer: Imagineering

Publisher: THQ

Release Date: October 1992

When I am playing a bad game, which seems to be my normal state of existence these days, I often ask myself if it is Ed Wood bad or Coleman Francis bad. Their terrible movies are two sides of the same unfortunate coin. Coleman Frances’ trilogy of movies gave the viewer a glimpse into his dark vision. They are poorly lit movies full of barely speaking characters constantly looking sad. No joy permeates their beings, and since they were mostly shot silently and dubbed in later, they are often not even facing the camera. His movies make me feel sad and empty. That’s how I feel playing a soulless game like Wayne Gretzky Hockey. On the other side of the coin, we have Ed Wood. His movies are equally inept if not more so, but they are also lively and funny. He takes us to bizarre worlds filled with puzzling eccentrics played by actual puzzling eccentrics. I live for this type of bad game, as does just about anyone reviewing old games. Home Alone 2: Lost in New York certainly leans into Ed Wood territory. Although the ineptitude makes me a little bit sad, there’s enough downright strangeness to make it entertaining. This is a weird one.

 

The original Home Alone on NES is a terrible game in its own right, but I will give it some credit. At least Bethesda only used the part of the movie that works in a game. A game based on eluding burglars in your house makes sense. What doesn’t make sense is spending so much time wandering around in a hotel. A hotel is not automatically a terrible setting for a video game, but I don’t remember Kevin doing much in the actual hotel besides ordering too much room service and annoying Rob Schneider. The developers compensated for this lack of action by making every person and inanimate object act like they have been taken over by evil spirits. There are evil moving suitcases. There are deadly floating brooms. Little old ladies will stomp on your head. Every maid in every open door is waiting to ambush you with killer pillows. It is worked into the plot of the game that everyone is searching for Kevin, but it’s still jarring to see. The movie only has two actual villains, so if you want a more traditional game with challenging levels than you have to pull some enemies out of thin air. The first game wisely avoided awkward levels from the first hour of the movie. They didn’t tack on a grocery store level with Kevin fighting evil cashiers while avoiding floating shopping carts. It’s ironic because the developers of Home Alone 2 wanted to make a more traditionally structured game with normal levels and enemies. Instead everything just feels wrong. The end of the level is the strangest part of all. The boss is an angry chef who you have to slide into until he loses all his clothes. Then he runs away leaving behind his hat which you have to jump on until it turns into a pizza. Collect the pizza and you win. You know, just like in the movie.

 

In addition to being strange, the first level is confusing as well. I had to spend way too much time pushing elevator buttons while dodging luggage. There’s no clear indication of what makes the elevator go where it is supposed to, so I kept ending up in the same place. Even if you know what you are doing the first level can take almost half of a playthrough. The rest of the game is faster paced and at least slightly more sensible. I really wish they would’ve kept it weird, because it quickly becomes repetitive. It’s like they went over budget on the first level and had to rush out the rest. Central Park becomes a generic tree-lined street and The Uncle’s Townhouse level is a barren building with the same features over and over. The giant Christmas tree at the end looks fairly nice, but once again the gameplay is a bit awkward. Home Alone 2 either looks decent and plays poorly or looks lousy and plays decently.  

Okay so I’m trying to wrap this review up and tie it back to whatever I was talking about at the beginning, but I still keep wanting to talk about that first level. Did I mention the one couch that bounces you way up into the air when none of the other ones do? There is also a desk clerk who throws generic objects at you until a key falls down. You know what happens if you touch the key? It just hurts you like everything else. It’s just a piece of debris in the midst of a bunch of random blobs. If you stand at the starting point for more than a couple of seconds a bellhop wrings your neck like Homer Simpson. The pillows the maids throw at you have weird red patterns that look like blood. Killer pillows are weird enough, but ones with blood stains are just too much. Also, Kevin can collect a bell that gives him a screw attack ability like Samus in Super Metroid. Does anyone remember the part of the movie where Kevin spins around in the air like a buzz saw? I know that a game doesn’t have to follow the source material exactly, but it’s strange when they take a franchise that is essentially grounded in reality and give the main character superhuman powers, especially when the character is a little kid. How many maids did you kill with your spinning death technique, Kevin? There is blood on your hands.

 

So, I’m just going to call this one before it gets out of hand. The more I play this game the more I want to talk about how weird it is. The developer, Imagineering, seemed to specialize in mediocre licensed titles, and for about three years they were really cranking them out. It certainly implies a quantity over quality approach. Also, aren’t Imagineers the people who build Disney attractions? They were totally trying to fool people with that name. I had trouble ranking this one because all the THQ games are starting to get clumped together in my brain.  I did like it a little bit better than Wayne’s World, so it’s raising all the way up to #143 just below Burly Men at Sea. Actually, playing all these terrible 8-bit games makes Burly Men at Sea seem much better. Why did I dislike that game so much? Anyway, I think I’m just changing the subject, so I don’t have to talk about THQ anymore. Six of the seven lowest rated NES games are all by the same cursed publisher. Only Bad Street Brawler has the stuff to hang out with the worst of the worst. I only have three more to go, so I don’t think I’m going to lose any more of my sanity, but I really need to play something better when I’m done. Are there any good NES games out there?

 

NES Quality Percentage: 21/42 or 50%

NES #41: Fox's Peter Pan and the Pirates

Developer: Equilibrium

Publisher: THQ

Release Date: January 1991. Dang, just missed Christmas

If nothing else, Fox’s Peter Pan and the Pirates is a good nostalgia bomb. It takes me back to the golden age of weekday cartoons. I was obsessed with cartoons as a kid, so I’m lucky I grew up in the days when regular broadcast tv would show cartoons both in the morning and afternoon on weekdays. Some of the best cartoons from the era were on during weekdays. We got classics like DuckTales, Tiny Toon Adventures, and Batman: The Animated Series. Most of the weekday cartoons had NES counterparts, but of course THQ wasn’t going to get one of the good ones. While most of the big licenses went to Capcom and Konami, THQ was left with one of the worst and least remembered of the early 90s weekday cartoons. I remember that my brother enjoyed the show while I didn’t like it at all. So there was always a bit of conflict of what we were going to watch in the afternoon. We had to alternate days, but if the bus dropped me off too late my parents would let him keep watching Peter Pan and I would get super upset. But I am going to play this game with an open mind even if it does bring up conflicts from the past. Besides, I love playing old video games based on obscure franchises. So, did THQ finally release a game that is at all playable?

(The whole show is Peter getting fooled by grownup tricks)

 

The answer to that is a relative yes. Before you get too excited, however, be warned that this is not going to break THQ into the good column. However, it is playable, and it feels like a real NES game that some effort was put into. The developers decided to keep it simple and made it a side scrolling action game. The gimmick is that you have to take out a certain number of pirates in every level before reaching the end. I’m so used to avoiding trouble in these old games that I had to remind myself to fight sometimes. There’s not much variety here. There are only a couple different types of pirates, and they either shoot at you or sword fight with you. Still, it’s nice when a game gives you a reason to actually experience the levels. Peter can fly in the game, but his flying power is limited, and restoring items don’t respawn if you die. They compensated by giving Peter a leaping jump that can clear just about any gap. This can still lead to trouble, however. If you die near the end of a level and have already collected all the items, it can be hard to make your way back. It’s not as bad as in Rocky and Bullwinkle, but it’s still annoying when your character’s defining trait is so limited. Of course, in the cartoon Peter’s defining trait was his obnoxious smugness which is almost 100% absent from the game. At least they got something right.

(One thing this game has in common with Citizen Kane is that they both feature pterodactyls) 

Sadly, the laziness shines through if you play Peter Pan long enough. The main problem is the level design. Individually the levels are okay, but there are basically three designs that get reused over and over. And I don’t mean the graphics get reused, but the actual platforms and structures. I can hardly tell the difference between some of them outside of the background colors. The pirates may be in different places, but I certainly got some deja vu playing through it. At least in the first half of the game they alternate between caves and forests. The last three levels, however, are basically identical ship levels. Perhaps they thought five-year-olds in 1991 wouldn’t get that far, but it really is lazy programming. One of my pet peeves in NES games is repetition. It was fairly common for level motifs to get repeated later in games. I don’t know if I’ve ever played another NES game that basically had the same level three times in a row, however. That takes repetition to the extreme. I also dislike how the goal at the end of the ship levels is somewhat unclear. In the earlier levels you just walk to the edge of the screen and the level ends. In the ship levels the edge features the curved front of a ship and a gap in front with open water. What you have to do is stand on the little edge on the front of the ship, but even after I figured this out, I would sometimes miss. You can fall right into a crocodile’s mouth if you’re not careful, and there’s nothing worse in this game than dying right at the end. There are probably no health items left making it very hard to get back. You might as well reset if this happens. If the developers knew what they were doing this wouldn’t have been possible. Sadly, even with a bit more polish than the other THQ games, the cracks still show. This is still lazy shovelware made to promote a lousy cartoon.

(Rendered in beautiful Action 52 Green)

 

Well Fox’s Peter Pan and the Pirates almost broke the top 100. That’s a minor victory for a THQ game. Of course, the games in the upper half of the list are getting better and better so perhaps the news isn’t quite so bad. On the NES list it is #28 out of 41 which really is the buffer zone between the pretty good and straight up bad. I have one more famously bad THQ game left to review plus a handful of more obscure games, so perhaps I’ll get through this journey with my sanity intact. I just hope the quality percentage doesn’t suffer too much. Hey maybe I’ll go completely off the rails and review LJN games next. I might as well do all the bad game first, right?

 

NES Quality Percentage: 21/41 or 51.21%

Ranking List.docx

NES #40: Wayne Gretzky Hockey

Developer: Bethesda Softworks

Publisher: THQ

Release Date: 1991

 

In the retro era of gaming, it was common for big-named athletes to endorse mediocre games. Gaming was still in its infancy, and attaching a real-life name to your game added a level of legitimacy that might be hard to find with a more generic title. It was a time when absolute icons sprung up on video game covers all over the world. I already wrote about Magic Johnson’s Fast Break which was a bland game only made interesting by Johnson’s interjections into the action. I’m sure for the publishers, however, the quality of the game didn’t matter that much. It was all about the cover star. The concept could be so lucrative that companies would take it to ridiculous extremes. Cubs legend Ryne Sandberg appears on the cover of Bases Loaded 3 but not in the game itself. He has nothing to do with it aside from posing for the picture. I loved Ryne Sandberg as a kid, and it was disappointing to find out he was just a model. Being a kid is full of disillusioning moments like that. I imagine hockey loving kids who played Wayne Gretzky Hockey felt a similar disillusionment. It’s more proof that Bethesda had no business developing games for the NES.

If you were a computer gamer in the late 80s than you would probably remember Wayne Gretzky Hockey as a bit of a classic. It garnered good reviews and positive press for Bethesda. The console version came out three years later, and it showed how difficult converting games to the NES could be. It is generally regarded as one of the worst hockey games of all time, and it’s hard to disagree. I will say that I am no hockey expert, so I have always enjoyed the simplicity of NES hockey games. There’s nothing wrong with simplicity in games when it’s done right. There’s a reason people still fondly remember Ice Hockey and Blades of Steel. Well Wayne Gretzky Hockey doesn’t want to be a simple arcade hockey game. It wants to be a complex hockey simulation. Unfortunately, somebody forgot to put in the complexity. Instead, we have a game that feels more like a demo than a full-fledged game. It has the slow, deliberate pace of a simulation game and absolutely nothing else. And when I say nothing, I mean nothing.

 

I should’ve known something was up when I tried to navigate the confusing setup screen. Nothing should be easier to navigate than an NES setup screen. But this ends up being the most complicated part of the whole game. The buttons for changing options and changing pages seems to change at will, and I only got through it by chance. I could barely figure out how to pick teams, which can be somewhat important. Some of the options didn’t even make sense. You can change the difficulty of both your team and the computer’s team, but I’m not sure what these change in the actual game. Just to confuse things further there is an option for game type which includes practice, normal, and playoff. All these options do is give the games slightly more rules. You can only play one game no matter what you pick, so this is a deceptive choice. Also, you can make periods last up to 20 minutes, but this seems more like a punishment. So, you played video games instead of doing your homework tonight? Well, I’ll let you play video games, but only Wayne Gretzky Hockey for hours at a time with no breaks. Maybe you’ll think twice before skipping your homework next time.

So why did I spend so much time talking about the setup screen? This game annoys me so much I feel like I could write a whole page on every aspect of it. That would give me two whole pages. There’s not that much to it. The other thing that annoys me about this game is actually playing it. You can tell the developers worked hard to make every part of the game equally lazy. There’s only one bland rink and everything is rendered in a dull shade of blue. Even the referee is blue. It is a true top-down presentation to the point that you can’t see anyone’s face. They are just helmets with sticks. There is a list of player names at the beginning of games, and these may represent real players, but it doesn’t matter. They all play exactly the same. Even the much older Ice Hockey made sure to have different types of players. The only difference teams have is their colors, and sometimes not even that much. If you make the mistake of picking two teams with the same colors than you won’t even be able to tell which is which. That’s not good! Even the on-screen displays are messed up. The clock is shown on an in-game scoreboard which means that if you skate too far to the side you won’t know how much time is left in the game. Of course, the amount of time left is always the same: far too much.

 

And don’t even get me started on the sluggish gameplay. Well actually do get me started. That’s the whole point of the blog. Anyway, the gameplay is about as slow and simple as it gets. The player can control exactly one skater, and I couldn’t figure out if there was a way to change to a different one. Either that choice is impossible or unnecessary. The defense and goalkeeping are pretty much left up to the AI, so your main objective is to occasionally get the puck and try to score. It’s a hockey game that almost plays itself. And shocker of shockers the AI is bad as well. Sometimes one of my players will get the puck and just skate in a circle with it. The computer players never bother to skate over and stop him even when they are losing. I guess they’re just as tired of this game as I am.  It’s a good strategy for winning though. You just make one goal before the computer does, pass it to an AI player, and watch him skate in a circle until the period ends. I don’t think this is a rare occurrence either, and I’d love to see it happen in the first minute of a 20-minute period.

You know, I’m starting to think it wasn’t such a good idea reviewing all these THQ games in a row. Couldn’t I have done a Mega Man series review instead? I am the one who picks what games to play after all. I suppose it does get some of the lesser games out of the way. I try not to think about the fact that if I’m ever going to get a true picture of the NES library, I’ll have to review over 700 more games. It’s exciting, but if I want to get through them all I’ll really have to step up my production. Anyway, Wayne Gretzky Hockey is bad. I’m well past wanting to think about it anymore.  In fact, on further inspection it’s the bottom of the bottom. It’s now my lowest ranked NES game at #40 out of 40. And it’s way down at 154 on the overall list just above Panic!. That makes it the second worst major console game I’ve reviewed so far. I’d say that means there’s nowhere to go but up, but I’m not so sure anymore. It may just be bad game after bad game from now on and I go completely crazy. At least you’ll be along for the ride.

 

NES Quality Percentage: 21/40 or 52.5%

NES #39: The Great Waldo Search

Developer: Radiance Software

Publisher: THQ

Release Date: December 1992. Just in time for Christmas!

 

 

You have to admire Waldo’s creator Martin Handford. He sure knows how to make the most out of his pictures. There aren’t that many original Waldo books, but there is a ton of Waldo media, much of it using the same pictures, or at least settings, from his classic early books. I loved those pictures as a kid though, so I didn’t complain too much. Still, I wish there had been more. This game is called The Great Waldo Search, so if you’ve read the book, you already know what the levels are going to look like. Actually, I’d say this is the most accurate book adaptation on the NES. It does slightly edge out The Adventures of Tom Sawyer anyway. This time around THQ would go with a different developer. Instead of Bethesda, they went with the lesser-known Radiance Software. They only have a half dozen credits ending in 1993, and The Great Waldo Search may be their most famous game. Bethesda, meanwhile, would use the lessons learned on their previous THQ trio and regroup. They would stick to PC for most of the decade, first producing sports and licensed titles then moving on to Elder Scrolls. The next Bethesda developed game to end up on console would be Morrowind on X-Box in 2002. Now if that’s not a comeback I don’t know what is.

Despite their lackluster credits, I will say that Radiance Software certainly got some things right. The main upgrade is in the graphics. The game is full of big, colorful sprites which look just like the originals. Actually, they might look a little too much like the originals. They are basically the pictures from The Great Waldo Search except that they move slightly. The characters don’t move much, but they will blink, and some of their actions, like spraying water through hoses, are even animated. You could say with their limited-motion pictures that they predicted modern e-books for kids, but that’s probably giving them a little too much credit. They also fixed the timer this time around. There is a new countdown in every level, and there are also hidden clock extenders scattered around the levels. It’s very welcome having more things to find in a hidden picture game. The focus is more on points with bonuses given for finding Waldo quickly, making few mistakes, and finding hidden point icons. There is even a mini game where Waldo’s dog rides a magic carpet which actually fits in with the overall game. Be wary, however. It is a better game than Where’s Waldo?, but is still has some glaring flaws.

 

The Great Waldo Search has the oppose problem of Where’s Waldo?. The Great Waldo search is almost too large and detailed. Finding Waldo is just too easy, even on the hardest difficulty. Even the expanded gameplay which involves finding a scroll in every level doesn’t make the game much harder. The entire game can be finished in about ten minutes, which is unacceptable even for a children’s game. It’s a bit easier to see why Where’s Waldo? had a few weird non-picture levels thrown in. The only way to make Waldo visible on a tv screen is to make him too big to hide. I suppose you and your family could take turns and see who could get the highest score, but The Great Waldo Search just isn’t engaging enough to be played arcade style. Sure, I gave Donkey Kong a rave review even though it can be technically beat in five minutes, but that game is fun and exciting no matter how many times you play. Also, while the game uses the same pictures from the book, they are simplified. As a kid I could stare at those wonderful pictures for hours and find new things. It just doesn’t happen in the video game. At least Waldo moves around and doesn’t just hide in the same spots he did in the book. I’m the type of person that still remembers after all these years.

 So, The Great Waldo Search is a well-meaning game that just falls a little flat. It’s not quite the egregious cash grab that the other THQ games for the NES have been, but I’m rating it against every game ever made, not just the ones from the same publisher. So, it is going in the middle of the purple section, because it is an okay game. It’s #112 overall, which isn’t too far from the top 100. For the NES list it’s #30. I’m really starting to get a lot of NES games reviewed. I’m already sad about running out, but I have over 700 to go so I should probably get over it. It’s nice to know that not every THQ game is one of the worst on the console, but I might keep reviewing them since I'm on a bit of a roll. Will one of them break into the good section? Usually when I say that I actually know the answer, but this time I honestly don’t. Hopefully I’ll be pleasantly surprised.

 

NES Quality Percentage: 21/39 or 53.84%

Ranking List.docx