NES #16: The Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle and Friends

Developer: Radical Entertainment

Publisher: THQ

Release Date: December 1992

All lies! 

It is my contention that The Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle and Friends is the most ineptly made game ever on a major console. Even the title is a disaster. Not only should a title never have the word “and” twice so close together, but it’s not even true. Even though the cover shows the Dudley Do-Right cast none of the supporting characters actually appear in the game. The only other characters are Boris and Natasha, and since they spend the whole game throwing bombs at the heroes, and I really do mean the whole game, they aren’t what I would call friends. Howevver, since they can quickly cause game overs and discourage further play maybe they are actually friends of the player. So not only did they completely ruin the title of the game but they did so for a lie. Sadly it only gets worse from there.

This is as far as anyone gets before realizing something is horribly wrong

The game is known for its bad mechanics, and it’s really something that has to be played to be believed. Rocky and Bullwinkle can be switched out any time by hitting the select button, and I think the developers tried to balance the gameplay between the two characters, but they ended up ruining the whole thing. Just about everything you do causes pain. Both characters can pick up and throw bombs, but since practically every enemy can do so as well they are useless. I never won a bomb fight in the whole game because they just never stop coming. They will stand there and throw a constant barrage of bombs until time runs out. Also, if they get drawn too far away from their starting points they will respawn. This is very bad for a game that focuses on projectile weapons so much. Hey but don’t worry, both characters have special moves. That brings up the most infamous part of the game. Their special moves deplete your health faster than any bomb ever could. Bullwinkle’s antler charge is the only effective attack in the game, but using it is always a risky because it depletes health so fast. Meanwhile Rocky loses health for flying. Yes, Rocky the Flying Squirrel can’t fly without losing health. That’s Rocky’s most defining trait. He’s not Rocky the Always Near Death if He Even Thinks About Flying Squirrel. Also there are places where you have to fly which just adds injury to injury. It’s a cruel trick all round, and makes the only sensible strategy to be run as fast as you can.

The constant bombardment distracts you from the awful scenery

Matters aren’t help by the graphics either. Now I know that the tv show was famous for its bad animation, but it’s Fantasia compared to this game. They get the four main characters relatively correct, but the backgrounds look like elementary school drawings. It’s full of sparse, ugly shapes that repeat over and over with no sense of depth. It’s a flat and jagged world where cliffs are just black lines and it’s not clear what is a plane and what is just a decoration. The enemies are dire as well. They devolve from recognizable figures to wrinkled masses of unknown origin as the levels go along. There is a level that takes place in a kitchen so they decided to put tiny chefs running by. It’s the only level that has tiny humans so it’s really jarring. The reason for this is because every level has tall enemies that throw bombs and small enemies to jump over. For some reason “tiny chef” was the best they could thank of for a kitchen level. It makes absolutely no sense. Then again, none of this game makes any sense. After playing this game I am not sure that anything makes sense anymore. Thanks Rocky and Bullwinkle. You almost broke me.

Only Bullwinkle can climb stairs

Although I don’t remember the exact year, I will always remember that Christmas in the early 90s that was the last great NES Christmas. Although I loved Super Nintendo I had a very hard time getting over the death of the NES. It was my favorite thing in the world, and it broke my heart that it was being abandoned. Still, one upside was that games were cheap and we got a bunch of them that Christmas. We got the new Kriby’s Adventure along with the re-releases of Metroid and Final Fantasy. Also in the same haul was, of all games, Rocky and Bullwinkle. It’s a game that has been with me for over twenty-five years. Anytime the subject of bad games comes up it’s the first one I think of. Sure Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde is bad, but at least it looks like a real game. Rocky and Bullwinkle fails ever metric and fails hard. It’s the worst looking, worst playing, worst designed game on the NES. Honestly I enjoyed playing Marvel Super Heroes on Hyperscan more because it at least felt like a real game. It’s better than Ben 10 but only because I could actually play though it. It doesn’t get much lower than this one. And worst of all is that I will never get the awful music out of my head.

 

NES Quality Percentage: 9/16 or 56.25%

 

1. Zelda II: The Adventure of Link

2. Super Mario Odyssey

3. The Legend of Zelda

4. Galaga

5. Donkey Kong

6. Exodus: Ultima III

7. Pac-Mania

8. Wrecking Crew

9. Super Pac-Man

10. Pac-Man

11. Viva Pinata

12. Dragon View

13. Excitebike

14. Drakkhen

15. Arc the Lad

16. Clu Clu Land

17. Tails’ Adventures

18. Artifact Adventure Gaiden DX

19. Mickey’s Racing Adventure

20. Metro-Cross

21. Double Dragon

22. Panic Restaurant

23. Ice Climber

24. Gaplus

25. Dragon Spirit

26. Pinball (NES)

27. Ninja Golf

28. Super Soccer

29. Walt Disney World Quest: Magical Racing Tour (GBC)

30. Red Sea Crossing

31. Baraduke

32. Demon’s Crest

33. Evoland

34. Tennis

35. Renegade

36. Hogan’s Alley

37. Gamma-Attack

38. The Legend of “Valkyrie”

39. Galaxian

40. Dragon Crystal

41. Cosmic Commuter

42. Hot Pixel

43. PocketBike Racer

44. Wild Gunman

45. Defunct

46. Gyruss (2600)

47. Looney Tunes Racing

48. Squidlit

49. Baseball

50. Birthday Mania

51. Bad Street Brawler

52. Burly Men at Sea

53. WeakWood Throne

54. X-Men (HyperScan)

55. My Name is Mayo

56. Marvel Heroes

57. The Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle and Friends

58. Ben 10

Bonus: Screenshots of Shame!

(The good pictures were from mobygames and vgmuseum.)

NES #15: Panic Restaurant

Developer: EIM

Publisher: Taito

Release Date: October 1992

(Yep, that's panic alright)

 

The actual game behind Panic Restaurant will always be overshadowed by its extreme value. Its price has skyrocketed in the last fifteen years to an astronomical level. It’s one of those odd NES games that was worth ten dollars in the mid-aughts and now is worth hundreds. It was never listed as particularity rare back in the day, but now it always shows up on lists of the rarest games. The other Taito games released around the same time have always been extremely scarce, so I don’t know if it’s a case of rarity by association or if the collectability of it slipped through the cracks for many years because it was surrounded by more glamorous collector’s items. I do know that it is now a ridiculously expensive game that I have never seen a copy of in person. I also know that is is a side-scroller developed by Kenji Eno who would later make the game D and help popularize the survival horror genre. And although Panic Restaurant is funny instead of scary I can see some of the foundations of survival horror in it. The game has plenty of deadly traps and cruel surprises.

(You'd have to be a real chicken to be scared of this game. Get it?)

 

Panic Restaurant is a textbook 90s NES platform game. It’s deceptively difficult, has great visuals, and isn’t very long. In it you play as a chef who has to win back his restaurant by fighting a whole lot of killer food. I enjoy how the levels are set up like a menu with appetizer through desert. I like the levels well enough, but there are some cheap hits and difficult jumps scattered throughout. There are some dangers that you won’t be able to see until it’s almost too late leading to some fast action. There are continues, but you lose all your extra hearts when you run out of lives so there is incentive to stay alive. It can become very difficult with the two initial hearts. Luckily there are zany utensil-related powerups all over the levels to help you out. The giant pogo-fork is probably the most interesting one, but I was never very good at using it. Still I got to type that sentence so it’s all good. It also feels like every extra life is a trap. They are either in a spot that is either close to something deadly or almost impossible to get to like that infamous pizza in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. With all this difficulty in place I can forgive the game for being so short. There are only six levels, and if you are playing on an emulator with save states which is likely given its rarity it will only take about thirty minutes. It feels like the perfect rental game. It’s one that you could certainly finish over a weekend of practice. That might be one of the reasons why the ultra-rare Taito games have been suspected to be rental-only releases. It’s probably not true, but it’s a fun theory.

(In this game the ham steams you)

 

In a way this feels like a game whose presentation makes it seem better than it actually is. It was obviously trying to emulate the look of Super Mario Bros. 3 with its bright colors and bottom panel. The enemies are all food related making for some funny encounters. It has a good lead character with a fun weapon and plenty of power-ups for variety. Still it falls a little short of being a great game and is merely a good one. There are too many cheap hits and blind jumps, and in contrast to the hard levels the bosses were mostly too easy. They all had easy and predictable patterns. They sure were interesting though. It’s fun just seeing a giant, evil Jiffy-Pop even if the fight itself leaves something to be desired.

 

Of course I don’t base my rankings on a game’s rarity, so I don’t want to comment too much on the pros and cons of buying it. If you want to spend five hundred dollars on it I understand. I probably would too if I didn’t have kids to think about, so no judgement here. Just keep in mind that you are only getting a good platform game and not really a lost classic. Of course I could play games like this all day every day so it’s not really a critique, but It’s not going particularly high in the green zone either. I am slotting it in right between Ice Climber and Double Dragon. It’s another winner on the NES, but the real winner would be someone who bought it at some dusty old game store twenty years ago before prices started to skyrocket. They could probably make a profit of more than five hundred dollars.

 

NES quality percentage 9/15 or 60%

 

1. Zelda II: The Adventure of Link

2. Super Mario Odyssey

3. The Legend of Zelda

4. Galaga

5. Donkey Kong

6. Exodus: Ultima III

7. Pac-Mania

8. Wrecking Crew

9. Super Pac-Man

10. Pac-Man

11. Viva Pinata

12. Dragon View

13. Excitebike

14. Drakkhen

15. Arc the Lad

16. Clu Clu Land

17. Tails’ Adventures

18. Artifact Adventure Gaiden DX

19. Mickey’s Racing Adventure

20. Metro-Cross

21. Double Dragon

22. Panic Restaurant

23. Ice Climber

24. Gaplus

25. Dragon Spirit

26. Pinball (NES)

27. Ninja Golf

28. Super Soccer

29. Walt Disney World Quest: Magical Racing Tour (GBC)

30. Red Sea Crossing

31. Baraduke

32. Demon’s Crest

33. Evoland

34. Tennis

35. Renegade

36. Hogan’s Alley

37. Gamma-Attack

38. The Legend of “Valkyrie”

39. Galaxian

40. Dragon Crystal

41. Cosmic Commuter

42. Hot Pixel

43. PocketBike Racer

44. Wild Gunman

45. Defunct

46. Gyruss (2600)

47. Looney Tunes Racing

48. Squidlit

49. Baseball

50. Birthday Mania

51. Bad Street Brawler

52. Burly Men at Sea

53. WeakWood Throne

54. X-Men (HyperScan)

55. My Name is Mayo

56. Marvel Heroes

57. Ben 10

(screenshots are from mobygames.com)

Super Nintendo #4: Demon's Crest

Developer: Capcom

Publisher: Capcom

Release date: 11-1-94 They just missed Halloween!

Demon’s Crest is one of those badge of honor games on the SNES. It’s rare and expensive which causes its reputation to get inflated. Much like Ninja Golf it’s a game that was never talked about much until it became expensive and then it suddenly became a lost classic. Now that it’s on Switch I have played it. And I can tell you that it is not a lost classic. It’s an okay game with great visuals but just not enough substance under all that style. It plays like Tails’ Adventures but without the high quality level design. I may be the only one who feels like this on the whole internet, but Demon’s Crest is just not that good of a game.

(It sure gets off to a promising start)

It’s another adventure platform game where the focus is on exploration and items. It has a world map and some shops which give it an almost RPG feel. So how can an adventure platform game with RPG elements starring a demon be so disappointing? It just doesn’t have enough levels. If you end up with the bad ending there are only three and if you get the good ending there are only six. Six small levels is not enough to sustain a game whose whole gimmick is exploration. Every time you get a new item or power you have to go back through all the levels again to find more stuff. None of the levels are that impressive either. It’s just basic plaforming tropes filled with spikes and ledges. They’re alright once, but not good after having to visit them a dozen times. And if you want to get the good ending you’re going to have to find everything. That means either traversing blindly through the same few levels over and over again or just reading a guide and spoiling the experience altogether.

 

(The whole tiny map)

It’s also not much of a challenge either. Anyone who says it is probably only played the beginning and got frustrated. After You get a few extra hearts and potion jars the levels become easy with only the bosses posing much of a challenge. It’s one of those games that actually gets easier as it goes along. Once again this is because it’s a more powerful demon but the same old levels. I guess I am glad that I didn’t experience too many frustrating deaths as I was wandering around for the last few items, but I still wish it was a more balanced experience. Maybe they could’ve had a few more challenging fixed levels that didn’t have any items to collect. That would’ve broken up that monotony and maybe upped the challenge if they had been designed around a stronger character. There’s a great game in there somewhere, but the developers sure didn’t find it.

 

(At least it has good screenshots)

It’s a testament of the overall quality of the SNES that this game isn’t going super low on the list. I am going back to my roots and ranking it against Baraduke. It’s been a while since we’ve seen the king of mediocre games, and it still wins that day. Demon’s Crest is going right behind it at 31. It seems like contemporary reviews agreed with me and saw Demon’s Crest as a middling game with great visuals. It was only in the last decade or so that it reached lost classic status. It’s also during that same time frame that its price suddenly rose into triple digits. That’s how classic game collecting goes. Some old game that nobody cares about gets written up in a few posts and shows up on a few lists and all of a sudden it’s a collector’s items. So not only is this game overrated but it also reminds me of my least favorite thing about my hobby. It’s a lose-lose situation.

 

Super Nintendo Quality Percentage: 3/4 or 75%

 

1. Zelda II: The Adventure of Link

2. Super Mario Odyssey

3. The Legend of Zelda

4. Galaga

5. Donkey Kong

6. Exodus: Ultima III

7. Pac-Mania

8. Wrecking Crew

9. Super Pac-Man

10. Pac-Man

11. Viva Pinata

12. Dragon View

13. Excitebike

14. Drakkhen

15. Arc the Lad

16. Clu Clu Land

17. Tails’ Adventures

18. Artifact Adventure Gaiden DX

19. Mickey’s Racing Adventure

20. Metro-Cross

21. Double Dragon

22. Ice Climber

23. Gaplus

24. Dragon Spirit

25. Pinball (NES)

26. Ninja Golf

27. Super Soccer

28. Walt Disney World Quest: Magical Racing Tour (GBC)

29. Red Sea Crossing

30. Baraduke

31. Demon’s Crest

32. Evoland

33. Tennis

34. Renegade

35. Hogan’s Alley

36. Gamma-Attack

37. The Legend of “Valkyrie”

38. Galaxian

39. Dragon Crystal

40. Cosmic Commuter

41. Hot Pixel

42. PocketBike Racer

43. Wild Gunman

44. Defunct

45. Gyruss (2600)

46. Looney Tunes Racing

47. Squidlit

48. Baseball

49. Birthday Mania

50. Bad Street Brawler

51. Burly Men at Sea

52. WeakWood Throne

53. X-Men (HyperScan)

54. My Name is Mayo

55. Marvel Heroes

56. Ben 10

Screenshots from vgmuseum.com