Developer: Bethesda Softworks
Publisher: THQ
Release Date: 1991
In the retro era of gaming, it was common for big-named athletes to endorse mediocre games. Gaming was still in its infancy, and attaching a real-life name to your game added a level of legitimacy that might be hard to find with a more generic title. It was a time when absolute icons sprung up on video game covers all over the world. I already wrote about Magic Johnson’s Fast Break which was a bland game only made interesting by Johnson’s interjections into the action. I’m sure for the publishers, however, the quality of the game didn’t matter that much. It was all about the cover star. The concept could be so lucrative that companies would take it to ridiculous extremes. Cubs legend Ryne Sandberg appears on the cover of Bases Loaded 3 but not in the game itself. He has nothing to do with it aside from posing for the picture. I loved Ryne Sandberg as a kid, and it was disappointing to find out he was just a model. Being a kid is full of disillusioning moments like that. I imagine hockey loving kids who played Wayne Gretzky Hockey felt a similar disillusionment. It’s more proof that Bethesda had no business developing games for the NES.
If you were a computer gamer in the late 80s than you would probably remember Wayne Gretzky Hockey as a bit of a classic. It garnered good reviews and positive press for Bethesda. The console version came out three years later, and it showed how difficult converting games to the NES could be. It is generally regarded as one of the worst hockey games of all time, and it’s hard to disagree. I will say that I am no hockey expert, so I have always enjoyed the simplicity of NES hockey games. There’s nothing wrong with simplicity in games when it’s done right. There’s a reason people still fondly remember Ice Hockey and Blades of Steel. Well Wayne Gretzky Hockey doesn’t want to be a simple arcade hockey game. It wants to be a complex hockey simulation. Unfortunately, somebody forgot to put in the complexity. Instead, we have a game that feels more like a demo than a full-fledged game. It has the slow, deliberate pace of a simulation game and absolutely nothing else. And when I say nothing, I mean nothing.
I should’ve known something was up when I tried to navigate the confusing setup screen. Nothing should be easier to navigate than an NES setup screen. But this ends up being the most complicated part of the whole game. The buttons for changing options and changing pages seems to change at will, and I only got through it by chance. I could barely figure out how to pick teams, which can be somewhat important. Some of the options didn’t even make sense. You can change the difficulty of both your team and the computer’s team, but I’m not sure what these change in the actual game. Just to confuse things further there is an option for game type which includes practice, normal, and playoff. All these options do is give the games slightly more rules. You can only play one game no matter what you pick, so this is a deceptive choice. Also, you can make periods last up to 20 minutes, but this seems more like a punishment. So, you played video games instead of doing your homework tonight? Well, I’ll let you play video games, but only Wayne Gretzky Hockey for hours at a time with no breaks. Maybe you’ll think twice before skipping your homework next time.
So why did I spend so much time talking about the setup screen? This game annoys me so much I feel like I could write a whole page on every aspect of it. That would give me two whole pages. There’s not that much to it. The other thing that annoys me about this game is actually playing it. You can tell the developers worked hard to make every part of the game equally lazy. There’s only one bland rink and everything is rendered in a dull shade of blue. Even the referee is blue. It is a true top-down presentation to the point that you can’t see anyone’s face. They are just helmets with sticks. There is a list of player names at the beginning of games, and these may represent real players, but it doesn’t matter. They all play exactly the same. Even the much older Ice Hockey made sure to have different types of players. The only difference teams have is their colors, and sometimes not even that much. If you make the mistake of picking two teams with the same colors than you won’t even be able to tell which is which. That’s not good! Even the on-screen displays are messed up. The clock is shown on an in-game scoreboard which means that if you skate too far to the side you won’t know how much time is left in the game. Of course, the amount of time left is always the same: far too much.
And don’t even get me started on the sluggish gameplay. Well actually do get me started. That’s the whole point of the blog. Anyway, the gameplay is about as slow and simple as it gets. The player can control exactly one skater, and I couldn’t figure out if there was a way to change to a different one. Either that choice is impossible or unnecessary. The defense and goalkeeping are pretty much left up to the AI, so your main objective is to occasionally get the puck and try to score. It’s a hockey game that almost plays itself. And shocker of shockers the AI is bad as well. Sometimes one of my players will get the puck and just skate in a circle with it. The computer players never bother to skate over and stop him even when they are losing. I guess they’re just as tired of this game as I am. It’s a good strategy for winning though. You just make one goal before the computer does, pass it to an AI player, and watch him skate in a circle until the period ends. I don’t think this is a rare occurrence either, and I’d love to see it happen in the first minute of a 20-minute period.
You know, I’m starting to think it wasn’t such a good idea reviewing all these THQ games in a row. Couldn’t I have done a Mega Man series review instead? I am the one who picks what games to play after all. I suppose it does get some of the lesser games out of the way. I try not to think about the fact that if I’m ever going to get a true picture of the NES library, I’ll have to review over 700 more games. It’s exciting, but if I want to get through them all I’ll really have to step up my production. Anyway, Wayne Gretzky Hockey is bad. I’m well past wanting to think about it anymore. In fact, on further inspection it’s the bottom of the bottom. It’s now my lowest ranked NES game at #40 out of 40. And it’s way down at 154 on the overall list just above Panic!. That makes it the second worst major console game I’ve reviewed so far. I’d say that means there’s nowhere to go but up, but I’m not so sure anymore. It may just be bad game after bad game from now on and I go completely crazy. At least you’ll be along for the ride.
NES Quality Percentage: 21/40 or 52.5%
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